2003-09-23 - 5:58 p.m.
i think i write in this for my audience, rather than myself. no, wait. i do write in this for my audience and not for myself. now that's a diary.
anyway, my life right now is a matter of peaks and valleys. a lot of things have been happening to make me question my spirtiuality... or lack there of. well, not really lack there of, but absence of a divine spirit i guess. or maybe a secular spirit. are those the same things? god damn english language. but yeah, you guys get the idea. i've been seriously wondering about finding a religion, but i'm afraid to throw myself into a church or whatever because i'm afraid of worshiping only one diety. diety, that's a good word; better than divine or secular spirit. but anyway, this looking for a religion (half-heartedly) makes me wonder how does someone choose the "right" one? is there any reason why they become protestant, catholic, christian, islamic, jewish, buddhist, jehovas witness, et cetera? how can someone so blindly throw themselves at just any service of worship to a God of so many interpretations within the same basic religion?
and this is why i can't understand having a religion.
among other things.
maybe if i hadn't watched Dogma, this would only be half as confusing. well, i think it's better to be confused like this (confused through over-analyzation) versus diving headfirst into something that requires such blind faith.
oh, yeah. i also choked on my japanese oral test yesterday. i ended up talking like micah. "wa-ta-shi-no se-n-ko-wa ki-yo-u-yo-u de-su" versus "watashino senkowa kiyouyou desu." okay, those who speak japanese might get that better. and i don't know if i spelt my major correctly or not so kiss my grits. i hate grits. they taste like shit. not that i know what shit tastes like either.
and today, we had the written section of the test. i think i did okay, but i'm not sure. there were some sections where i totally sucked ass, and some sections where i might've only puckered up to ass. ah, oh well.
on a better note, in journalism today, we got our test back and i got a 47/50 for it. and on our first paper, i got a 50/50 which is good. that was the one about the history of the progression of video game technology. i really think that the paper sucked major balls, but hey, who cares? i got a 100%! mutha fucka!
i can't wait till thursday when school is done and i can chill for just one day before i go back to studying. gah... studying and work on the same day. fuck college.
i always try to end on a happy note.
aw fuck beans. i almost forgot to express my views on heaven and the religiously pious jerks who can't wait to go there.
i think that a lot of religious people (i'm not saying all of them, just the large fucking majority of them) use religion as an escape for all the bad they've done and will do. they think that by going to confessional, or being rebaptized, or whatever, they get a clean slate and are allowed passage into the Kingdom of God or whatever they choose to call it. this is most apparent with terrorists who kill in the name of God, but it goes down all the way to the average schmuck who cheats on his wife or hits his kids. he uses religion, not to justify himself, but just to escape the punishment that should follow the evil. thats my main problem with religion. i know i've done a lot of bad things in the past, and i want to pay for every single one of them. i don't want to go to heaven simply because on my death bed i said "i repent, i accept the Lord Jesus into my heart!" it's too easy. that's the easy way out. how can someone choose to do that? it kinda makes me sick. these people who go around preaching their shit to the masses telling us that we're all going to hell in a firey pit of demons blah blah blah are so willing to take the easy way out themselves. grow some fucking balls man.
fuck, if only i hadn't met that ass in religion. he's fucking ruined a whole week for me just by making me think. cocksucker...
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