2005-10-19 - 8:16 p.m.
everyone wants to see Jarhead. i admit, it looks like it could be a good movie, but i don't know if i could stand watching it. it's been a while since deyson's funeral and enurnment, but i still think of him almost daily. i can't even watch those documentaries on the history channel. but, then again i haven't actually tried to. it's more i'm afraid of what kind of emotions it might bring rather than what kind of emotions i know i'll feel. i wish there was something i could wear to remember him. like if there were a bracelet with deyson's name and dates on it, i'd wear it. i know it seems weird, especially considering i don't even wear a watch, but i really want to remember deyson every day. i guess part of it is guilt that i wasn't there in iraq with him when i was the one most likely to go before the 12th grade. but then again, shana said that she was really happy i grew out of that phase. and i'm sure randi is too. but dammit if i still don't feel like there was something i could've done.
but maybe i should force myself to watch Jarhead so i can force myself to face that which i don't want to... face (isn't there another word or phrase to get this point across?). but yeah, i'll probably force myself to see it just so i can say i'm doing something to start the healing within. i can't help it... it sucks because i didn't even get a chance to see deyson after high school. and the thing that really struck me at his funeral as that i couldn't tell his mom about the stuff we talked about because it was all stuff you don't tell mom's about. about the least inappropriate thing i remember deyson ever teaching me was that boxers are a lot more comfortable than briefs. other than that, all we'd talk about was girls and uh... "guy stuff."
so yeah, lots of un-masculine emotions going on here. but don't confuse un-masculine with gay because that's totally not what i'm about.
speaking of gay, i wrote the greatest first line to a paper i've ever writen last night. the paper was for poli sci and it was supposed to be about gay marriage in hawaii. so on to the first line sent from god: "As queer of a subject as it is, same-sex marriage is not a topic that can be shoved out through the backdoor or hidden away in a closet." randi asked me if i thought i was the bloodhound gang. oddly enough, i hadn't even listened to them yesterday. regardless, i think i probably drew some influence from them on that sentence.
but yeah, while we're still on the topic of music and queerness, i also listened to Liberace yesterday. damn, he is an amazing pianist. like a gazillion times better than vanessa carlton. yeah yeah... he's kinda efeminate, but so is elton john (okay, so elton john is just flaming) and it's okay to listen to him.
anyway...
after i finished my paper, i had to print it, but my freakin' printer isn't working so at midnight, i had to call up oki and ask him if i could use his printer. yeah... ever since carlie left for japan, oki's the closest person i can think of whos printer i can use. actually, he's kinda the only person i could think of who'd be up at 12/1-ish in the morning.
yeah, i miss carlie too. we've been emailing each other just about every night. it's pretty much the best part of my day doing that whole penpal thing... you know, minus the pen.
and then yeah, i had to turn it in today, but i didn't feel like going to school, so what'd i do? i went to school for five minutes and turned it in and left. that fucking sucked. i hate school. i haven't been to my geography class three straight classes. i think i'll go this next monday though. i'm going to have to ask someone if i can copy their notes though. oh well, it's not like that class is particularly difficult.
yeah...
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