2005-12-26 - 4:32 p.m.
i hate christmas in general, but this year has been even worse than normal.
normally, i just hate christmas because i hate christmas trees. the smell makes me sick. my eyes itch, my skin itches, just general itchiness.
i also don't give much of a shit for christmas because i give gifts throughout the whole year. a lot of the time, if i see something that i know someone will like, then i'll just buy it for them because i feel like it. so to me, christmas is just another day for me.
but this year... holy fuck things haven't gone right all fucking season.
first, me and randi break up. i'm sure she's placing the blame on me, because, well, it probably is my fault. i mean, seriously, when isn't it my fault? a lot of the shit that happens to me is my fault because i really don't do anything right in life.
second, carlie leaves for japan. the one person who i feel fully comfortable telling everything to. not a single secret goes unheard between the two of us. complete disclosure. she's in japan for a whole year.
so where are we: i've lost my girlfriend of four years and my best friend...
and now, my car... the one thing that i thought i had left.
and again... it's my fault.
first the radiator died on me. so i had it replaced.
then it kept overheating...
so i replaced the thermostat.
and it kept overheating...
and then i rewired the fan.
and it kept overheating...
now i find out i did engine damage. the fucking head gasket is probably blown, so the engine is dead.
what compounds the problem is that i also lost my job in october. so i'm working with limited funds because all i have is a temporary job. the engine damage i've done is going to require a lot of money to fix. my dad said that it's almost to the point where i should just get a new used car or something... if i had the money. fucking hell!!! argh!!! i can't win. i can never win.
i don't cry very much, but god damnit, i feel like crying right now. my whole life is just one big mess and it's all my fault.
oh yeah, and my ass still isn't healed. what should've been a two week healing period has now stretched to like... five, six months.
it's almost enough to make a guy consider blowing his brains out.
but really, in the larger scheme of things, there's a lot worse that could happen.
but at the same time, i've never been particularly strong. i pretened to be strong, but i'm not. last night, i was lying in bed and i was thinking i try to have the image of being strong for other people who aren't feeling up to it. i try to tell people not to worry about things because everything works out in the end. but god dammit, sometimes i want someone to tell me that and i want to believe them. i want someone to convince me that everything will turn out right. granted i will believe it because i'm a generally optimistic guy, but i want someone to make me believe, not just let my natural optimisim take over.
god funnit... i guess i should go get a bus pass.
�
�
