2007-08-12 - 12:01 a.m.
my grandma died this morning. i think that's how i woke up.
i woke up and i think the home phone was ringing. it sounded like the one in my parents room was ringing, but when i looked at the one in the living room it wasn't ringing... so i went back to sleep. then my dad came into my room sometime later and told me grandma died this morning. so i went back to sleep. that's what i do when i'm not feeling very good emotionally. i get tired. just like that guy in renisance man.
sleeping is how i escape from the real world i guess.
and then carlie called me and i told her in a half-sleep. i didn't feel like talking much...
and i feel back asleep.
then sarah called me asking for help with something or another. so i helped her and went back to sleep.
i don't remember waking up, but i know i did.
i went in to work and i just felt really shitty. sarah asked me if every thing was okay with me, and i told her. she made the second person i told.
i think she helped make today easier for me. i guess she's naturally bubbly and that helped. if i were just around someone else who's mopey, i'd probably just be a drag today.
speaking of sarah...
today, we were talking and just making trouble to each other like i do with the whole staff, when she made a comment about me flirting with her. that really threw me off. like you wouldn't fucking believe. i was so... not expecting that. later, when i asked her about it, she said to relax and that it was only a joke. i guess... but i have a belief that all jokes have at least a shred of truth them. i guess she knows that i'm kind of flirting with her.
i so hate myself. i know i'm just going to ruin my life someday doing something stupid like this.
oh, and after i told sarah, i also told donna. she texted me today just checking up on me like she does so i told her too.
you know what makes everything worse? it's that i know i like sarah. i think she knows that i might be at least a little interested in her. and yeah... i think we both like the attention so it just might get worse.
i'm struggling to keep everything professional because it feels like my job is the only thing that i have.
god... i'm so what i used to make fun of. i honestly feel like my job is the only thing in my life that i can even a modicum of control over. i even put that in my response text to donna "at least i have work to distract me." in real life, i'm single, i only have a few friends that i spend any time with, and i spend a lot of time by myself. at work, i have a staff that i love, i have a staff that likes me back, i have some level of success, a boss that likes me, customers that like me and my team, and some level of control over how things pan out. a lot of it has to do with people liking me. i guess that's something that i feel is lacking in my life outside of the store. that and control...
outside of work, i don't really have much control over anything. i'm so damn codependent... it's disgusting. i'm so desperate for a gf. well, not desperate... but so... longing? what's a better word for "longing"? "wanting"? whatever... you get the idea. all i want is someone to turn to and look at and know... something. i don't even know what i want to know, i just want someone there to know me.
i think one of the reasons sarah might start liking me is that i'm so easy with my money. she told me that she owes justin, her bf, not my friend, $400 or something stupid like that. me? i'm thinking, "fuck it," you can have that kind of money from me. she owes me like $40 and i just don't give a shit. it's only money. i don't keep running tabs on anyone with the money they owe me because honestly, what am i going to do with money? i'm only going to spend it on stupid shit anyway. i might as well use it to make people i know happy. i buy everyone lunch and drinks all the time.
i hate myself so much sometime... i should be saving that money... and paying off my car registration...
i'm so emo today... it makes me want to kill myself... not really.
but at the same time that i'm being emo, i'm also keeping it all in. i've only outright told sarah, carlie, and donna that my grandma died, and i alluded to it to blane in an email asking for my vacation for my sister's wedding. i also told her not to tell reid because i just don't want him to know. he thinks he knows me but i don't think he knows me as well as he thinks he does.
i don't remember if i talked about this in here already, so if i did, TS.
the day that devin's gf was leaving for college, he came in and i was talking to him about it. kinda just letting him know that i knew what he was going through. reid thought i was just being an asshole to him. that made me mad, sad, angry, and just hurt... seriously... what the fuck? why would i be such a jackass? that... it just... argh! fuck! reid is such a monster dumbass...
no wonder no one really likes him uncondintionally.
everyone who does like him has a reason to dislike him. at least one, probably more often more than one.
i should go to sleep... but i'm not tired... but i should...
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