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2007-10-29 - 11:23 p.m.

i've got issues...

i think right now i'm mad at dhyani. no real reason, and i know it's not true anger. i think i'm mad at her only because i'm finally hitting that part of breaking up where i'm unfairly mad at my ex. i don't know if she was ever mad, but it was probably because it was more like she dumped me more than anything else even though we agreed it was a mutual break up.

why am i mad? probably because i know she'll end up later on with some guy who'll be better for her, but not to her. but then again, that's what i always think. i guess in my mind, she'll find someone who probably treats her more like she'd like to be treated, but i doubt she'll find someone who'll go to the lengths that i would've for her. i still remember when she desperately needed a book one night for school and i found a way to get it for her by calling in favors from friends (thanks oki!).

but seriously, it's totally undeserved and i'm not going to take it out on her, because, she's dead to me. really, she is. i don't think about seeing her or anything because i don't think it'd be healthy for me.

i'm a slow healer physically and emotionally... and probably mentally too... but that's besides the point.

it takes me a long time to recover from emotional slights and pains. gosh, it took me a long ass time to feel comfortable talking to randi. and that was with common interests and friends... with dhyani, it's oki, justin and nick, but no real common interests to connect on.

this is a lot of discussion for a dead person.

but then again, i kind of feel like i'm dead to her. she hasn't called or texted or anything since transformers came out, but that's only because we talked about seeing it together during the early summer. i haven't heard from her since, and i know she invited the rest of my friends to her birthday party. granted, i probably wouldn't have wanted to go since i don't get along with her friends or with the type of drinking she does, but whatever. i think she doesn't care about me anymore, and that's fine. i've been treated worse.

speaking of being treated kinda badly, bre texted me last night. i honestly don't know what's going through her noggin, but it doesn't bother me one bit anymore. i'm kind of curious, because i did like her before so there's still some interest, but i'm pretty sure i've moved on (to Pac-10 girl). i don't think she really knew what was going on between us. i think it's that naievity that comes with age though. she probably thought that we could be friends despite the fact that she knew i kinda liked her. i'm not saying that we can't, but going out on /dates (i meant to put the "/" there... it's supposed to mean "half-date") are kinda... giving me the wrong impression?

god... i hate how i've begun to develop some form of confidence and it's only been crushed repeatedly. alia and candace were flops and this whole bre fiasco. well, it wouldn't be fair to say candace was a flop because nothing really happened, it's just that i didn't have any desire to get to know her further really.

and well, Pac-10 girl? i've already got this impression that she's got a bf and i've got no shot. i think she's older than me and i don't know how i could relate to her since i'm just a working schmuck. well, i'm not really a working schmuck because i have my own store and all, but... i'm not smart or anything. c'mon, i couldn't even graduate from kcc! but yeah... i'll figure it out as i go along.

fuck i'm tired.

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