2008-04-04 - 11:34 p.m.
yesterday, deneen, donna's friend and i guess my own too, asked me what i thought about all of donna's flings.
by flings, deneen meant all of the guys donna goes around with for a little while before she tells them to back off because someone is getting too close, whether it be her or him. not necessarily sexual relations in case anyone was thinking that.
anyway...
deneen was concerned about how i felt about all these guys trying to insert themselves into her life while i sit back and meet the majority of them and pass judgement on them and tell her that they're all douche bags or jerks or something. deneen was worried that because i have such a close relationship with donna, that i would get jealous and attatched to donna that all these guys who become a part of her life temporarily would make me feel like the best friend who never gets the attention he deserves from the girl who relies on him so much. i told deneen not to worry about it because it's not really much of a thing for me.
first of all, i have no right to be jealous in that way because i'm not seeking a relationship with her, which was deneen's major concern.
another ish was that donna doesn't really listen to anyone else's advice when it comes to dealing with guys. i can't tell you how many times i've told donna that the guy is a fucker, and she doesn't listen to me and keeps talking to the fag because he makes her feel good because she needs to validate herself by having a guy like her. that last part bothers me to no end because as desperate as i can be for a relationship at times, i make myself be stronger than that. deneen was concerned about how i took donna never listening to me. i'm used to being ignored when i try to give advice... carlie never ever took my advice either. as far as i can tell, she's going to get married to craig and they're going to live unhappily ever after because of that. but how would i know... i haven't talked to carlie in a month or so...
donna came back from the rest room before deneen and i could really get into the discussion. her final words on the topic were that she just wanted to make sure i could deal with the fact that donna wouldn't be able to be there for me as much as i'm there for her. i can manage that. i don't like to rely on others for emotional support that much anyway. i'll let it out to certain people in small doses, but i prefer to play everything close to the vest. it's just how i am.
but more on the subject of me being jealous...
i guess i am a little jealous, but not of the guys who spend their time with donna because i understand my place in her world, and in due time, i'll get what i deserve, good or bad. i'm jealous that donna doesn't have to work at it at all. guys practically throw themselves at her. she was born attractive, and she has everything else working in her favor too. she knows how to dress, she knows how to approach people she wants to me, and she has a vagina. me? the only girls i can attract are either young, stupid, or afraid to talk to me. that does not work for me at all. the ones i like are usually the shy ones who won't approach me. that so doesn't jive with me not being able to approach girls either. fuck...
and when i do get the guts to approch a girl, i get turned down by being ignored. not directly to my face, but i don't get any further attention.
god, dana, butterflies girl... every night for just a second, i think to myself, maybe she'll call me tonight, and my phone doesn't ring. every night i check my email, and i hope that maybe tonight, i'll finally get a reply email from that girl on yahoo! personal i sent an email to, but nope, it's just a bunch of "penis enhancement" and "watch this redhed (sic) get fuckd (sic) by a horse behind the barn" spam emails.
i know, i shouldn't allow myself to hope so much in the first place because i'm only bringing this on to myself. but dammit, i fall into it so quickly because underneath it all i'm such a sap. behind this goofy exterior, i'm really a very deep and emotional guy who is probably close to being one of those bi-polar mofos.
take an experience i had with dan while he was back a few weeks ago. we were drinking and he brought up dhyani a few times. i played it off because i didn't want to seem like a fag, but towards the end of the night, i'd had enough, and i got into a yelling match in an empty red lion bar with him. if it weren't for the big ass security guard with his hand on my back, i might've slugged his stupid fucking face and then proceed to get the shit knocked out of me. but i went from fine and no one knowing anything was bothering me to pissed off in two seconds. even oki who's known me for almost half our lives couldn't tell how pissed i was at the moment.
okay, so i guess that kinda built itself up over the night, but i wasn't looking for any excuse to get mad at dan either, it just set me off real quick is what happened.
wow, that's a total digression from what this originally started off about.
whatever...
i really hate the guy donna is sorta seeing, was sorta seeing as of as late as two days ago. this guy is a total fuckface. his name is robert, but i refuse to call him that. he's bobby to me because him and is homofag brother and his homofag friend are all just punk bitches in my book.
donna first met bobby in person at pearl on this mixer event that me and nick went to with her. i didn't like him from the start because when he shook hands with her to meet her, he held on to her hand the whole time he was talking to her. that really bothered me. and when she retold the story about the conversation he had with her, it came off like he was some creepy stalker fag. when i met him, he didn't come off as a creepy stalker, but he came off to me as a mother fucker who didn't show me the respect that i fucking deserve. and his homofag brother and his homofag friend were even worse. they were telling me that i needed charm school from them and that if i took it then i could get laid and all this bullshit. like i fucking want to learn to be like a couple of fucking white mother fuckers who have to fucking troll singles mixers to get a random hook up? fuck you guys. dont fucking tell me who or what to be. did it ever occur to you that despite my displeasure with the world and my apparent self-deprecating appearance, i am perfectly fine with the asshole that resides behind the facade? jeez-us christ!
and some people wonder why haole people get their ass kicked in waikiki. they all fucking deserve what happens to them.
but despite the fact that i've told donna on repeated occasions that i don't like bobby, and that i don't think he's good for her, she has to appease the ego that resides in her and continue to hang out with him because she's an idiot. and i've called her that to her too. i also told her that i'm done saying what i need to say because she knows how i feel about him and me continuing to talk about how much i despise him and hope he fucking dies alone (and soon) does nothing but make the situation worse for me and only me. everything i say falls on deaf ears (i think that's a phrase deneen used when we were talking). donna says she listens to me, and i think she hears me, but she doesn't want to listen because i don't fucking know.
all i know is that when she's ready to stop being such a fucking moron, i'll be around to listen... and she'll know i was right, and i'll feel vindicated for being right. in the meantime, i've told myself that if she gets serious wit bobby, then i'm not going to talk to her. i didn't tell her this, because i'm not the kind of guy to make someone choose, but i'll just pull away quietly and let her decide who's more important.
what the fuck is wrong with me? why am i so god damn introspective? this isn't me. and why am i typing my thoughts?
it's a lot easier to think now that i have my own place.
donna told me that things will begin to fall into place when i'm moved in on my own. i'm still waiting.
carlie hasn't called me yet. i know she said that she wouldn't and that she'd wait for me to be okay with the fact that she could never see me that way. it'll never get there as far as i'm concerned. i won't be able to look at her and not think to myself, i would be perfect for you, and you'd be a really good fit for me too.
dana hasn't called me either. god... if there's ever been one girl i'd just love to have a chance with, just one date to prove myself, it's her. i've never crushed on anyone the way i have these past five years for like i have her. bre was close, but that's because i thought she was into me. dana, i've just... god i don't know.
it also turns out howie, the starbucks guy, says he knows her too. that fucker...
and the two ex's. well, i've been having mental/emotional issues about them. one or the other keep popping up in dreams. the dreams always leave me feeling sad in the morning when i wake up. i haven't had a dream that left me feeling good when i woke up in a long time...
and it doesn't help that i'm so sentimental, that all kinds of shit reminds me of them.
a lobotomy never sounded so good.
i'm sorry if i'm fucking rambling... there's a lot of shit i just want to get off my chest.
besides i don't think very many people read this anyway.
so really, it's more like i'm talking to myself in my mind.
the district meeting we had where all the SM's met up and had a two day meeting was really just an affirmation that i'm unlike anyone else in my district. i can't really relate to any of the other managers. the whole time, i kinda just hung back and stayed quiet. i'd say something here and there, but mostly i was just bidding my time trying to stay unnoticed. i opened up a little bit when i had a couple of beers during an unofficial dinner we had, but that didn't really count because it was only what i wanted them to see. that was the first day. the second day was a disaster. it was supposed to be a fun day, i thought we'd get to play touch football or something. instead it turned into shopping day for the maui managers. i ended up riding in the backseat of blane's truck listening to him and daigle shoot the shit. blane and daigle are apparetly good friends. part of me thinks the only reason why blane felt like he could talk to daigle in-front of me was because he knows i don't talk to anyone else in the district. i really just do my own thing out in the kai, and that's it. i come home at night and go to work the next day. i guess i don't really want anything to do with anyone else either. i'll play my role in the district though because through it all, i'm still a team player. i don't want to ruin it for the rest of them. i can't not do my job is what it comes down to.
but man... i think i'm just floating listlessly through my existance right now. i need to find a girl to ground me.
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