2008-04-11 - 12:00 a.m.
today's word is "ancillary." it means, "subbordinate to, secondary" and other shit like that.
why is ancillary the word of the day? because i've had it stuck in my head since about 10 pm tonight.
my car decided to die (again) at koko marina. i stopped at the bank to drop off the deposit and then it wouldn't start up again. i swore really louded, pushed it out of the way, and called AAA. after i arranged to get a tow, i called donna to see if i could crash at her house tonight since i have to work in the morning anyway. anyway... after i asked it sounded like she was apprehensive. it sounded like she already had someone over or someone might've been coming over. i told her it was okay if she said no and that she shouldn't feel obligated. she said that bobby said he was going to come over tonight but she wasn't sure if he actually was. anyway, to make a long story short, the tow guy got my car to start again, and i got home okay, but ever since i talked to donna, i've had that stupid word stuck in my head.
at times, it feels like i've been cast aside by her. like i'm nothing but an ancillary friend. and i'm not sad or anything, i understand that she's just a girl and that ultimately all girls are the same. they would rather feel fake, temporary affection than help out a friend.
okay, so i'm a little pissed off because first of all, it's bobby. i fucking hate him and i think he's the biggest turd in her world right now. second, i just feel like she only talks to me because i know how to shut up and listen. i know she cares about me and she hears what i say, but she rarely ever listens to my advice. so many of her problems are self-inflicted and she knows it but does nothing to fix it, at least initially. argh!
actually, it's mostly just because it's bobby. i guess i just feel like i'm ancillary to one of the shittiest human beings i know personally. and it irritates me that he lies to her about me. he tells her that he likes me and thinks i'm alright (i don't even think that's a fucking word to be honest). i can see through that bullshit. i know he has absolutely no respect for me and that he only says that because she tells him about how close we are. he's only telling her this because he knows she can't (or won't) see through his bullshit. fucking bullshit... i already told her that if she hooks up with him or anything, i'm not going to have anything to do with her while they're together because i don't like him at all.
sometimes suicide seems like a good solution.
�
�
