2008-05-19 - 3:03 a.m.
yup, that timestamp is right. it's 3 am and i'm updating because my life sucks.
i had ala moana's inventory last night/earlier tonight (because of my rule where it isn't tomorrow until i go to sleep and wake up).
it's not that the inventory itself sucked, it's more that i was uncomfortable just being there with the people that were there. i'm really uncomfortable around the rest of the gamestop people because i just don't feel like i really have anything in common with any of them on anything other than surface interests. yes, i like video games and some of them like sports. daigle and i even like some of the same music it turns out (he listen's to some of the same indie rap that i do). it goes more to the fact that i just don't like any of them in the same way i like my friends. i have no desire to really talk to any of them.
and then there's just the pure uncomfortable feeling i have being around rich. i still don't want to forgive him for being such a scooby douchebag (i made that up myself... i'm so proud of it). but i get that uncomfortable feeling from him where he wants to be my friend again, really desperately... if only to find out why donna won't talk to him anymore at the very least. it's just uncomfortable for me because i don't want to talk to him if i don't have to. like i told him, i've got no problem with him in a professional sense, which is why i came to his inventory because it's almost expected of the managers to help out. but i don't appreciate him trying to be my friend because that's not what it is anymore.
there's also the other thing with bre being there too.
i honestly don't know if she knows how i like her. and that really makes me feel awkward. i don't want to like her anymore because i don't think we're compatible. i know i'd be a really really good bf to her, but i don't think she'd be a good gf for me. it's as simple as that. i know i'd just be constantly jealous of her talking to other guys and stuff. like i saw her walking to go get coffee with daigle while i was in the abc store, and i actually felt some jealousy and contempt. it's just a feeling of "why are you walking around with him? is that the kind of guy you'd rather like? what's wrong with me?" but i got over it because i know they're just good friends and also because I'VE GOT NO REASON TO BE ACTING LIKE THAT.
but another reason for me being so awkward in her presence is because i'm so damn paranoid of other people seeing me talking to her and thinking i like her. i don't know why i still have that elementary school mentality where i don't want people to know who i like. i guess it's just that i don't like anyone to know what i'm thinking because i'm kind of private with my feelings unless i have a reading on what you might be feeling at any given moment. then i'll let you see what i want you to see.
also, it just bothers me to be around her because i feel like i have to play everything even closer to the vest around her, rich, and blane. i know rich knows i like her, i bet blane knows i like her too, and i'll bet he can see it too (and that bothers me). but i so don't know what she's thinking. i think she can kinda tell i'm uncomfortable because she kept asking me if there was something wrong. but it could've also been just because she's used to seeing me really goofy and i wasn't like that except for a few moments tonight. so it would've seemed like something was wrong with me.
another thing was she looked good tonight. she was wearing this girly top that showed off some cleavage and had on a flattering bra. it all came together nicely. she looked good. it was different than the t-shirt and jeans she usually wears. it reminded me of the last time i saw dhyani and how she looked really good and how that hurt because she never dressed like she was trying for me.
i've got so much baggage.
i did a pretty good job of avoiding her most of the night until the end when we were just standing around waiting for things to finish up. i was successfully avoiding everyone. standing in my own world zoning out, wishing i had my book so i could finish it in time for the new palahniuck when she came to talk to me. i maintained my somewhat defensive mindset, making sure i didn't say anything implying that i really enjoyed the two times we hung out and that i missed that. i don't know if i did a good job of it, but i felt really conspicious because everyone else was talking in groups, and i was mostly by myself the majority of the night and then there i was talking to her. i don't know if anyone was bothering to pay attention to me, but i felt like everyone who might've known that i like her was watching out of the corner of their eye to see if i had that look in my eye. i tried my best to not look at her too much or anything, but god dammit, it's tough for me to have a conversation without just instinctively looking at the person. and then, when i'd look at her, i'd also look at the area void of clothing directly under her neck and hate myself for wondering what it looks like further void of civilizations desire to cover ourselves.
don't get me wrong, i love bras because they keep boobs perkier for longer, but god damn do i also love bare breasts.
let me put it this way, the whole time it was just the two of us talking, i loved and hated every moment of it. at one end i didn't want it to end because i like the feeling of thinking someone is interested in me. at the other end of it, i hated it because i know she's only being polite and was only talking to me because i looked like such a sad sack standing there on my own.
i did my best to make it seem like i'm over her. i even said that i keep my place clean in case girls come over, and she might've been a little sad thinking that i do bring girls over, but i was only lying about that implication, and i think she knew it too. it also didn't help when i said "i don't meet girls." i think she might've felt a little bad about that comment because she must know i like her and that she knows she doesn't like me the way i like her. i don't know if that makes sense to you, the reader, but it makes perfect sense in my noggin.
sometimes i just wish i could drunk call bre and spill my guts to her. i'd say "do you know that i like you? do you know that it hurts to talk to you because part of me still thinks i can get you to like me, but i really know that i can't? do you know that your being nice to me is actually worse for me in the long run because it gives me moments where i think i have a chance? why won't you give me a chance? what am i doing wrong with you? what am i doing wrong in general where i can't get anyone to like me?"
but i won't. because (yes, that bothers me that i'm starting a sentence with "because" too) when i drink, i think i might become even more of a pussy because i just get mopey if i'm in the wrong mood.
i know what you're thinking michelle. stop worrying about it so much. i should be more concerned about myself and not so much about all these ho's. and i know you're right. i honestly don't concern myself with this as much as it seems, it's only that when i write in here, i get very introspective about this side of my life because for some stupid reason or other, i think people care.
that's another thing she said. bre said she only helps out at people's inventories that she cares about and then asked about when my inventory was. that hurt because i know how she meant it, and it wasn't the way i took it for the briefest of moments.
i guess i just miss that feeling of being able to have something to look forward to when you leave work.
i remember how much it hurt when i was going out with dhyani and she'd cancel plans i thought we'd made to see each other for a few hours after work.
it hurt just as much as when bre canceled when we were supposed to have dinner that one time at asagio's.
fuck, i'm such a woman. i can't stop bitching about how hurt i am because i'm a fag. i should see if a doctor can give me the vagina i deserve for being such a bitch.
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