2008-06-05 - 9:02 p.m.
man, things are sucky in the love department.
so bookstore girl has a ring on her finger. i walked in awkwardly asked her for help, noticed a ring on her right ring finger and promptly lost interest in persuing her. there's more to that story, i just don't feel like mulling it over again.
amber left too. that made me sad. i haven't heard from her yet, but it's only been a few days, she's probably still getting settled in.
justine, one of the other waitress' at therapy has surfaced on my radar though. it's funny. the first time i went in there, donna pointed her out to me, but i wasn't interested. but ever since me and nick have been going there more often, she remembers us so she comes over to talk to us. she gets cuter every time i see her. but in donna's words, she's kinda dinghy. and deneen said i probably wouldn't be able to hold a conversation with her. but she's nice and maybe just for a date or something she could be fun. nothing sexual, although she is attractive from before i start drinking.
and then there's the new girl at starbucks. she's back from her first year at brown university. i accidentally called her "brown girl" once in conversation with donna and then realized that was a bad idea. i also threw it out there to jim, rie, and howard that i thought she was cute. rie thinks she might be gay though. good thing i'm also a lesbian!
speaking of lesbians, it's actually the main person that's causing me all kinds of issues...
bre, god...
she does just enough to make me feel like she's interested in me and then pulls back when i try to spend time with her. it's the worst feeling in the world for me because i want to at least try to be something to her. i want to show her a side of me that i really don't like to put out there because of things like this. yesterday, we both had a day off and i told her to call me when she was done with her things, but she ended up missing my call until 10 pm and so i spent my whole day doing nothing but waiting for her to call. i did manage to clean my place up for the first time in two weeks, but it was just to take up time. then today i had another day off. i found out she had to read "the world is flat" for english. after having coffee with donna, i went to the bookstore and bought it to try and see if i could help her. i even managed to read about 20% of the stupid book today because i want to be a part of her life. when i told donna about that, i think she melted a little because her stance on bre feels like it's taken a new perspective. donna's usually really stand-off-ish when it comes to bre. donna just doesn't like her how i don't like bobby. we don't think the other is good for either one of us. but today, it seemed like donna's stance softened a little bit. she was was a little bit more supportive of me wanting to be with her. i don't know what it is... i don't know if it's because it comes off like i'm desperate for a relationship or if it's because donna thinks bre might be coming around or if it's because donna thinks something that i can't quite figure out. but the worst part of it is that donna's softer stance on this is not what i want. i want someone to tell me that it's a bad idea to keep waiting for her because i know it's only going to hurt me... like today. i just want to spend time with her, let bre see this side of me that only seems to be comfortable with her because i like her and it feels like she's attainable. but she's not which is the worst part. she'll reel me in and then let me go and then reel me in again. it's such a shitty feeling. i don't want to like her is what it comes down to, but there's no way out for me. i don't even want to talk to other girls because i think it might affect any karmic changes i might have when it comes to bre.
but the saddest part is, i know that any relationship with her would just be doomed from the start because of her relationship with blane. how am i supposed to deal with her being best friends with my boss? what if i have a disagreement with him? who does she support? it's always bros over hos. but if she were my gf, i'd want her to support me because that's what i would do for my gf.
i'm just a wreck today because i did it again... i let myself become the girl in a relationship where all i do is sit around hoping the other person will call me back. i just don't know what i'm doing. i try to make the aggressive moves and be forceful because i hear sometimes that works, but it doesn't work for me. i try to do the passive thing, play it cool, and then this shit happens. i should probably just call it quits with this girl, but i can't because i still have to work with her too. i may not be working with her face-to-face but i'm still dealing with her daily over the phone for work purposes. i'm also dealing with her personally because we text each other randomly as friends. and it sucks. because i'm a fag about these things and don't know better.
no wonder donna likes me. it's because i'm a fag and she likes fags.
okay, so i'm not gay in the same way that she likes those guys. she likes them when they're a little gay. i joke with her that the reason why chris is so soft is because he was raised with three mothers: her, sabrina, and david. btw, david pisses sitting down from what i've been told. G-E-Y-H, GAY. (it's funnier if you say it.) but yeah. i think all of the guys donna wants a quasi-relationship with are fags. it's hard to explain... i'm probably a little too harsh too because she's like a sister to me at this point in my life. i look to her for guidance on just about everything. people worry though that she relies on me more than i rely on her. sometimes it feels that way too. but i guess i'll take it where i can get it. i know donna cares about me more than anyone else does except for my parents, and that's why i love her too. i don't know what i'm going to do with myself. i'll probably just keep doing what i do when i don't know what to do which is just keep on doing what i'd normally do... which is... fuckifiknow...
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