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2008-07-01 - 11:09 p.m.

y'know, somethings seriously just make me want to cry. it's never pain that makes me want to cry, and trust me, i know a thing or two about physical pain.

i usually want to cry when there're things that i just can't control that affect my life and make it seem like i'll never ever win.

of all the times for bre to finally ask me to do something, it has to be when i don't have any fucking time to do it. and the worst part about it is that i'm supposed to be free to spend time with her too.

tonight, after all this "she might like me" "she doesn't like me" crap that's been going on for way to fucking long, she finally asked me to spend time with her. it took this long, about three weeks of daily texts and semi-flirting to get her to ask me to do something because if i press too hard she shys away. i finally got what i wanted. and then it has to fall on a night when i have to be at the store because i don't have enough managers.

it seriously makes me want to cry a little bit. i don't fucking get it. why is it so hard? why does it have to be so fucking difficult? was i that shitty of a bf before that i'm fucking cursed now?

i gave everything i had to randi and dhyani. the two serious gf's i had. and they both grew tired of me. i gave them my heart and both times they told me i wasn't what they wanted. i won't say i never did anything bad or wrong, but through it all, i loved them both when i was with them.

i've still got feelings for them. it still scares me that i'll see randi and her bf when i'm walking through the aisles of safeway in manoa or that i'll see dhyani when i go to windward mall with the guys. what would i feel if i were to see them? how would i cope with it afterwards? there's a shit load of baggage that i'm barely managing to cope with.

and for some fucking reason, i'm not being allowed to deal with it any further.

i'm not being allowed my pass to move on.

the only comfort i have anymore is alcohol. it's seriously the only thing i have anymore. i don't even have donna because she's in her own fucking world all happy with her new bf.

don't get me wrong, i'm not mad or envious of her because she's still got a shit load of problems that are only beginning because david's going to be some kind of asshole now that she's got a new bf. it's just that she can't understand what's going on because everything is just peaches and cream with her now that she's so god damn fucking happy.

in her mind, bre asking me out is me gaining control of the situation. but in my mind, it's me losing control because now i'm at her beck and call. if she wants to go out, then it's me scrambling to find time to spend with her.

i can't believe how coherent i am when i'm drunk.

fuck it's hot.

god i hate donna because she's found happiness... okay, so i am envious and angry at her a little bit. she's happy and i'm at the lowest i've been in a long time because not only am i sad, but i'm also an alcoholic to boot. she's got someone to offer her comfort and make her feel loved, all i've got is a bottle of grey goose and nothing else. i can't even count on her because she's got her fucking head so far up her ass that it's in the god damn clouds.

i'm sorry donna. you don't deserve that anger. i really am happy for you. i'm just jealous that you've found someone who can make you smile just knowing they're thinking of you. all i have is nothing. i live alone, i'm happy when i'm drunk, i'm sad when i'm drunk. everything is falling into place for you because you're a good person. everything is working against me because i'm an asshole. i wish i could be a good person, but i'm not. i'm always going to have karma working against me because i think horrible things. you deserve the happiness and i deserve the misery that i've cultivated. i'm happy for you and i'm content in knowing that ultimately i'll get what i deserve.

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