2008-07-03 - 11:41 p.m.
part of me just wants to have the same talk with bre that i did with carlie.
for those of you that don't know, i had a talk with carlie where i laid it all out for her. i told her that i like her, and that i thought i'd make a good bf for her, and that if she wasn't interested, then i didn't want to go on being her friend. it was a kinda selfish move, but at the same time, it felt (and still does feel) like it was the right thing for me to do. it sucked being there, always hearing about how some ex-bf would make her feel shitty or how she would want to date other guys and there i was, someone who would be good to her and wouldn't make her feel like she was being treated like an after thought.
granted, with bre it's way different. bre's never expressed any interest in dating anyone with me. she's never told me about how other guys make her feel shitty or how an ex-bf was bothering her. i've never even talked to bre about dating in general.
the main reason why i want to have that talk with her is because i plain don't know where i stand with her. for every moment that it feels like she's beginning to like me, i get two or three moments where it feels like she wants to pull away from me. i don't want to say she's giving me mixed signals, because i don't know if she's even flashing any signs. it could be that i'm making it up all in my mind like i'm wont to.
i was doing so fucking well before too. i was doing fine just drowning. if she text'd, she text'd. if she didn't, she didn't. i wasn't all torn up checking my phone every 10 minutes to see if she'd replied to my message. and then she had to throw out something. she had to ask me if i wanted to hang out and once she did that, i totally lost my cool. now all i want to do is see her. or hear from her. or talk to her. or text her. i want to make her a part of my life because i want to feel like someone cares about me romantically.
donna tells me that if i really want to tell her, then to do it. i just need to be prepared for rejection. god, i hate rejection. its a really shitty feeling. and the worst part about it is that i wouldn't be able to remove her from my life either like i did with carlie. when carlie rejected me, i stopped talking to her. i erased her number from my phone so i wouldn't slip up and call or text her. hell, i've got a new phone number now and she doesn't have it nor does she really know anyone that has my new number either.
same things with randi and dhyani. if i never talk to them again, it'd probably be for the better for me.
but bre, i can't because i indirectly work with her.
i don't know what it is with her also. she's not particularly attractive to anyone but me (that i know). she's not really what i'd thought i'd want in a gf either. she doesn't read or really like the same things i do either. i don't know why i'm so into her. it boggles my fucking mind. i don't believe in opposites attracting. if you've got nothing in common, then you've just plain got nothing.
if there were ever a girl who i was a perfect match for, i don't know that i'll ever meet her because i just never go anywhere where those girls are. some days i'll go to starbucks and sit inside and drink my coffee at a table and read a book by myself but i usually end up talking to howard because he hates everyone he works with and thinks i'm funny... or something... like cute... or i'll end up talking to alia because she's into me... or something. either way, even there, i'll never meet a girl because things just don't work like that for me. and i'm always attracted to girls who're not into dating it seems like.
LIKE BRE!!!
FUCK!!!
I EVEN GOT MY FUCKING HAIR CUT SO GIRLS WOULD WANT TO FUCK ME MORE!
well, no. i actually just got my hair cut because donna made me because she wants me to get fucked more.
god... i hate donna.
no, not really. i love her to death. i also love her kids to death. i really do. as weird and as tiresome as they can be, i'd never want to see the three of them hurt.
i only hate it that donna's found kevin. and i like kevin. this is the first time donna's found someone who hasn't pissed me off from the moment i've met them or heard of them.
and donna deserves to be happy because she's a great person and a great mother. i'm just pissed off because she's happy and i'm not. i'm pissed off because i don't have someone who i can commiserate with anymore. i can't stand it. yesterday morning, when i was possibly still drunk from the night before, donna was in the cheeriest of moods and i was in the deepest of depressions, and we were sitting there in starbucks and i coudn't even turn to smile at alia when making fun of her for secretly liking me usually puts me in the best of moods. i hated donna as much as i loved her. how could she be so happy and try to force it down my throat? doesn't she know me by now that when i'm sad or pissed i don't want to be cheered up? god, when i get into those moods, all i want to hear is "yeah, you don't have a chance" or "you really ought to just kill yourself." i just want to be challenged to do the stupid things. i guess it's because i want to be pushed to piss you off. if you think i can't do it, then fuck you, i will.
i don't know where i'm going with this whole thing. it started off here and now it's way the fuck over there.
and melanie? that chick that goes to school on the mainland and only comes home during summer that i have a huge crush on because she's got those hot ass eyes that i like and she's feisty plus she's a god damn english major? yeah, ever since that night that max has told me that she's got a thing for me, she hasn't been back to the fucking store. it seems like whenever i make a proclimation about something, the exact opposite happens. maybe it's just serendipity, maybe they're blanket statements, maybe it's some fallacy of logic that i'm looking at... but it's pissing me off because it's making me question everything that i think. i have absolutely no idea what's going on around me anymore.
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