2008-07-06 - 3:52 p.m.
so i've been sober for five days now. i don't know what to think of it. part of me really wants to drink because i don't feel like things are different wether or not i'm sober, the other part of me is afraid that i'll turn into a full on alcoholic.
i've never really been addicted to anything (as i take a swig of mountain dew). i've quit smoking so many times that i know i don't get addicted to things very easily. i'm pretty damn sure that tobacco is one of the most addictive substances you can buy over-the-counter.
so i'm not full on worried that if i kept drinking i'd end up alcoholic. i've never felt the compulssion to drink in the morning or to get through the day. the thought's crossed my mind, but not as anything more than a fleeting concept.
honestly, the alcohol just seems like a time filler for me. something to do between being awake and going to sleep. sometimes i just want to drink out of bordem.
i don't know that i feel sadder or more depressed when i drink either. i'm pretty sure i'd be just as horrible feeling drunk or sober. it's only that when i'm sober, it's a little more clear what's bothering me, but we all know what it is anyway.
six nights ago was the last time i drank, and that was when bre asked me if i wanted to hang out with her the following night, when i'd have been stuck at work. that was a low point for me drinking wise. i'd never really drank when i was depressed like that. i'd drank when i was angry or mentally/emotionally tired, but never truly depressed. that felt like i was beginning to hit bottom. not full on rock bottom like they wanted you to hit in project mayhem, but it felt like i had begun the descent.
i woke up the next day and i'll be honest, i felt like shit emotionlly. i wasn't hung over or anything, i just felt sad. it was a sad that i don't remember feeling for a really long time. i think the last time i felt like that was when rich told me that bre didn't see me "like that" and wouldn't tell me who'd said it. i've since come to conclude that it was blane who told him that which is why he wouldn't tell me who it was in the first place.
anyway... it was a totally defeated feeling. it's the kind of feeling where you just don't care what's going on around you. your shoulders are slumped, your head's too heavy to bother holding up, your posture takes a dive, your feet just barely leave the ground. it's the pits.
but you see what i mean? no? thats okay, i'm not even sure i know what i'm getting at.
maybe it's that i don't really see a difference in how i feel wether or not i'm drinking. i'm going to be depressed either way because i just can't cope with being single. maybe it's that i'm afraid donna's right that i shouldn't be drinking because alcohol only enhances the feeling of sadness.
who knows what it is.
all i know is that i'm kind of afraid of drinking, and i'm afraid of not drinking because it'd be running away from something that i think is a weakness. am i afraid of not drinking because i think it'd make me a fag? possibly. i really don't know what to make of this.
i could really use a shrink right now. although they'd probably tell me not to drink anymore, and then i'd be sad again. i hate alcohol. how can something so good be so bad?
and this is how i spend my first day off in three weeks...
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