2008-07-08 - 11:06 p.m.
okay, so i've lost one week of sobriety since we last spoke.
last night i went to dinner with the other managers in the district. blane talked about the upcoming visit with our DVP (divisional vice president) and we devised our plan of touring the other stores on oahu to figure out what we're doing to help each other out. and by helping each other out, i mean, helping out the other three stores and not so much mine because well, if i keep things the way they are, i should be be fine.
anyway, i tried ordering a drink on my own tab, but the fucking place didn't do seperate tabs, so i was all set to just get a soda but blane said to order it anyway, so next thing you know, i'm two drinks in, and thinking about post gaming at home... which i did.
and to be honest, i feel good that i'm drinking again because i hate sobriety. things suck when you're sober because no matter what, the fucking world sucks. so you can either suffer sober and sad or drunk and sad.
god, i fucking hate life. if i couldn't get over the fact that everything is actually just petty and minor, i'd like to think i could just kill myself. yes, i realize in the larger scheme of things, my problems are mf'in minor, but god dammit if they still don't make me feel shitty. and in my world, thats worth a lot.
today, that melissa girl came in. shes the one who only comes home during the summers and max swore to god is interested in me. remember? well, whatever if you don't, 'cause i really like her because i think she's very attractive and witty and feisty and, AND, she's an english major which is the biggest turn on for me there is.
i told max that the next time i saw her, i'd ask her if she wanted to go sit down and drink coffee or something. nothing big, just getting to know each other a little bit. i swore to max that i'd do it, and i was all set to do it because fuckit. i do like her and i've got nothing to lose really. so i was planning to ask her while i was ringing her up, but sarah fucking jumped in and tried to take over the conversation. she wouldn't let me get a chance to talk to her. it was the worst thing in the world, i wanted to talk to her just the two of us. yeah, i know she likes white guys; yeah, i know shes probably only passively interested in me; fuckit! i'm sick of this bre bullshit. i just want to see if i can still do it.
but sarah didn't give me the opportunity to even try. and after melissa left, there was no one in the store so i just cut loose on sarah "WHAT THE FUCK? YOU TOTALLY COCK BLOCKED ME!" and this was in front of shawn and bryce, mind you.
"yeah, i know," was all sarah said with a smug fucking grin on her face. it wasn't even a smile, it was some nasty evil grin.
"WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!" i asked her incredulously.
"because you can do better than her."
"NO I CAN'T!" i said, trying to take some of the edge off the conversation because i knew i'd already taken it further than i should've in the first place. "I HAVEN'T DONE BETTER IN OVER A YEAR! WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I CAN DO BETTER?!"
and from that point on, i realized i should probably leave the store before i punched sarah in the smug face she had on.
granted, i felt like i had defused the situation to an acceptable level because shawn and bryce had laughed, but i felt horrible.
by the time i came back, i had gone from pissed off to the more comfortable controlled angry i usually am.
i asked sarah, without turning to look at her what she meant by "you can do better."
sarah's lame ass excuse was that she would feel uncomfortable if things went bad between me and melissa because they've "known each other for a long time."
BULL-FUCKING-SHIT!
melissa couldn't even remember talking to sarah in high school! sarah knowingly cock blocked me for her own god damn reasons.
fucking horse shit....
i don't know when's the next time i'll see her either and summer's running out of time. what's the point of trying anymore?
fucking hell....
and then sarah tries to make it better (or worse) by saying "i wouldn't have done anything if i didn't think there was a chance."
"that's the worst thing you could say to me right now. that i 'had a chance?'"
i think she knows she fucked up. i don't know if she feels bad enough about it. i want her to cut herself over this because she fucked with my happiness.
i'm rarely truly happy anymore and she totally ruined one of the few opportunities i had.
i'm going to let her feel like shit for a while because that was bullshit. there was absolutely no reason for that other than her own selfishness.
i mean, i'm so pissed off about it i told bre just now. i don't give a shit about what happens right now. shit just doesn't matter because what's the point? i'm only going to go on living my life as a fucking "salary man." i'll never find that true happiness that those in love feel. i've got way too much baggage already and absolutely nothing going for me.
donna tells me i've got everything going for me, but do i really? she tells me i've got a good job, my own place, i'm cute, blah blah blah... but does any of it really matter? i might have a decent paying job, but the fact that i have my own place negates any of it. there's no money for me to spend and that "good job"? who wants to date the manager of a fucking gamestop? even busboys get more pussy than me. seriously... the kind of girls that i like? they're no where to be seen because they ALL already have good bf's they met IN COLLEGE!
what do i really have going for me? nothing at all.
sometimes i just want to fucking burn the whole fucking world down.
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