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2008-07-09 - 11:19 p.m.

i actually told blane everything. i don't know why i did it, but i just had to say something to someone who was different and i wouldn't know what they'd say.

i told blane about sarah cock blocking me, i told blane about my recent bouts with alcoholism, i even told blane about bre. i just let it all out today because i had to say something to someone.

oh, it's not like i haven't been telling everyone with two ears what sarah did, but i wanted to hear his point-of-view i guess.

he told me "so what? so what if sarah did that. if you're really as smooth as you try to come off, then you've got nothing to worry about." but i'm not. and then he went into about how i need to get over what ever issues i have that come from low self-esteem. when we talked about my concern about my alcoholism, he told me i need to find a hobby. when i told him about bre, he said that yes, he had heard about it, and that he thinks he knows her well enough to confidentally say that if she did like me she'd let me know, and if she didn't like me, then she'd also make it clear to me. therein lies the confussion for me because i don't know what she's trying to say. he told me that sometimes, some girls don't respond to someways of doing things, and i've just got to find the right avenue to make it clear to her. he also told me that i can't go into it (not just bre, but anyone in general), looking explicitly for a relationship. and he's right on that one. i do go bareling in wanting a relationship. and it's true that i want a relationship badly. i hate this lonely feeling that i have.

but, que sera sera, what ever will be will be.

i think telling bre might've been a good thing though because i think she sensed that she can't just jerk me around forever.

i was texting her about it this morning before i went to go have lunch with donna, jay, and kevin. bre told me that maybe sarah blocking me was a sign that maybe i just wasn't meant to talk to melissa. perhaps a little spurred on by the drink i'd had this morning (yes, i drank in the fucking morning...) i text'd bre back that maybe we weren't meant to be friends either because whenever we make plans, something happens. which seems to be true... so she responded that it just hasn't been the right time for us yet and that maybe i'll meet someone better along the way anyway. in my mind that sounds like a thinly veiled excuse to keep me from straying from her and about a buck short of pleading with me to notice her. but i got the hint. donna said that it sounded the same way too.

i want to believe it, but i never know when it comes to this chick. it feels like she's putting it out there and then she pulls back. i don't like being jerked around. i don't like playing games with my heart either. i don't want to say that i'm too old for that shit, but honestly that's what i feel.

oh well, i'm just going to continue to make sarah feel shitty for doing what she did by giving her the cold shoulder about everything that isn't important for me to say something about. i know it's the stupidest thing in the world, but i want her to know that she's the biggest cunt in the world right now as far as i'm concerned.

and as for bre, well... i'll see where this goes. who knows, maybe one day i will get to sit down with her, just the two of us, and just talk to her and find out who she is.

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