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2008-07-23 - 1:26 a.m.

i'm supposed to go have lunch with bre today (by today i mean the 23rd, not the 24th). i'm not really feeling to positive it's going to happen though (again). i know i felt this way last week and we ended up going (to my suprise) and it was a good lunch. but this time, i think she's scared (again).

she didn't respond to my text where i asked her if she had tomorrow (the 23rd because i asked her yesterday the 22nd) off. usually, she doesn't answer text's when i ask her if she wants to do something. it seems like she refuses to respond to anything that kind of feels like there's potential of me asking her on a date. i just don't get it. i get the feeling that she likes me. there seems to be a lot of signs that she likes me (like the text where she tells me that it might just be a sign that i'm supposed to meet another girl after sarah cb'd me). but... god dammit. i don't get it with this girl.

i had a conversation with donna the other morning where she reemphasized that bre probably isn't the type of girl i'd be able to settle down with. and i whole-heartedly agree with that assessment. i already had that assumption down because i just know bre isn't my type of perfect girl. i want to be in love i guess. hell, i just want to be "in like."

i can't even have crushes because there's just no chicks out there for me. especially since sarah cb'd melissa on me. i'm sure she just doesn't want to come back to the store anymore, and faaaahhhhhhhkkkkkk she was as close to my ideal girl that i've met in a long ass time (y'know without knowing her for more than a few minutes at a time). i thought she was beautiful. (notice the lack of derogatory terms like "hot" or "hott" or "fucking hot." that's a sign of respect to her beauty.) she was an english major, and i want a girl who enjoys and appreciates reading at least as much as i do (that's one place where bre falls flat on her face). she's feisty and witty and sarcastic. she plays video games as a hobby which means i won't have to justify myself wanting to play madden all night somedays. for fucks sake, she was perfect at least on paper.

but maybe thats the problem. it's like when i buy shirts for myself. i try to look for shirts that i don't love at first sight because otherwise they'll all be the same. if i keep looking for the same type of girl, i might be doomed to the same failed relationships.

donna made a list of things she looks for in guys. i used to have one, but i don't know what happened to it. i should make a new one because i'm a little bit more grown up and i think i value things a little differently. i'm not saying i'm not the same person i was before, i'm just saying situations have changed for me. i wouldn't have listed that i want her to be financially stable or at least on track to having a decent job a few years ago, but now that i'm in something of a career path, i'd like her to be the same way.

but through it all, i still want the same things from my girl. i want to be the main focus of her life. i want her to love me more than anyone else besides her family. i want her to let me love her as much as she loves me. that last one might not make sense to some people, but if you've ever been told that you want to spend too much time with someone you love, then you'd understand.

for some reason, that word "ominous" is coming back to me.

i guess i'm just having an ominous feeling about lunch with bre tomorrow... today... whenever...

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