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2008-07-24 - 11:07 p.m.

donna told me that she can imagine me married with a wife for a long time and the two of us not having any kids. she said that she could imagine people saying "you're so good with kids, why don't you have any of your own?" and when she told me that, my inital reaction was "what the fuck do you mean i wouldn't have kids?" but when i gave it another half-second of thought, she was right. i might not have kids because the thought scares me. the reality of having to be responsible for something like that, the finances worry me too. but mostly, i'm scared about being in-chrage of raising someone that directly reflects on me genetically.

i do my best with chris and sabrina, but i don't know that they really hear me. granted i don't have the built in respect of being their parent, but i think i've been dealt some amount of credibility by being their mother's best friend. it concerns me that i can't seem to reach chris most of the time. i don't know what i'm doing wrong where he won't listen to me or take anything i say seriously. sabrina's a little better, and it might just be the age thing. i plan on taking a few different approaches when it comes to dealing with chris in the future because i want him to grow up right. i want to allow him to be his happy-go-lucky self, but at the same time i want him to make sure he has some "street cred" when he gets to high school at least. i don't want him to get picked on or teased. he can continue to be somewhat aloof but i want to make sure he can get his point across. i worry about that boy sometimes.

i also worry about sabrina. i think she's a little too touchy. it's fine with me because i'm nothing to worry about. but when it comes to other boys, i want her to learn the fine line between being friendly and being too friendly. i don't know how many times i'll be allowed to hit her bf's before i go to jail... or the infirmary.

i also worry about chelsea.

who the eff is chelsea?

she's one of the asm's at another store.

i'm worried that she might have a crush on me. i so don't want that. it's not that she's unattractive; she's cute. it's more that she's too young and i'm busy trying to deal with bre.

after chelsea and i have gotten to know each other a little better than "hey it's ryan from hawaii kai" she asked daigle how old i am. she likes older guys. that's a fact.

she also likes guys who aren't hot, or even good looking. yo.

when blane was giving her the third degree that one sunday, she said she doesn't like bruddahs. i try really hard, but i'm not.

and then she asked daigle if i really do date older women (which i don't). daigle said he doesn't know but he assumes it's true. i did nothing to correct him when he told me that because fuckit. i really don't care what people think about me in that respect. i'm sure i will eventually, but for now, the less people really know about me, the happier i am. i'm very secretive like that.

but yeah, so that's that.

i'm kinda curious about whether or not she cut down on eating panda's after my comment to her. that will be one of the more tale-tell signs i think. well, maybe not, but it'd just be funny as hell to me.

i also told bre about my concern that chelsea might like me. i did it for two reasons. one was because i had to tell someone who knows her (and i fucking ain't gonna tell daigle), the other was to let her know that i'm on the market goddammit! there could be other perspective buyers on this. it might've worked, but we'll see. we'll also see if she runs away after she gets close.

so bre called me today on her lunch break, and she also called me after work on her way to go play basketball with blane and some of the other managers. and then she called me after she was done playing ball. and then she called me after she finished eating and was on her way home. we even had a small conversation about how things would be if we lived together. it was merely hypotheticals and generalities involving our personality types and skill sets, nothing serious. it was more like "if someone is going to live with me, they better be paying. or be able to cook." bre would then say "i don't mind living with someone, as long as they help in the kitchen and with cleaning up and stuff." i'd respond with "i usually avoid the kitchen blah blah blah" bout you see where that's going? it's kinda going somewhere, but not. it's like testing the waters, seeing how far one person might give in for the other.

i'm not inviting her to live with me if that's a concern. i also haven't invited her over. in fact, i've almost dis-allowed (is that even a word or am i channeling roger clemens' "mis-rememebered"?) her from visiting. i'm kinda reluctant to let people into my place anyway because i don't want to be judged on how i keep things and stuff like that. i don't even really like other managers coming into my store even though i have nothing to hide. i just don't like being judged or percieved of being judged. i'm paranoid like that. i have to work on that...

but yeah. something tells me that bre's turning a corner with me. she thanked me for being a good friend to her today. she also told me that i'm more or less the only person she calls or text's. i told her she was kinda the same thing except for donna, but i'm her best friend, and she's one of mine. plus she needs someone like me to be a rock for her when it comes to david or kevin even. plus i'm there for her kids too. i'm as much a part of her family as i am my own. donna's more than a friend for me, she's on the same level as my family.

oh, i have a new piece of furniture in my place too. i have a leather recliner now. i don't know what i'm going to do with it, but at least if a girl (bre) comes over and wants to pass out, i have someplace that i can sleep so it's not awkward with us having to share my twin bed. but yeah, because of that recliner, and a table set that i'm getting soon, i've rearranged my appartment a little bit. i'm so proud of myself. i'm putting my own touches to this bitch.

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