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2008-08-13 - 12:19 a.m.

the last time we had a visit from john (the regional director) i was a freakin' mess right about now.

tomorrow we have jason (the new DVP) coming to my store and i'm busy eating a sandwhich i bought from 7-11 and drinking a vitamin water.... nevermind the half-pack i smoked today...

anyways...

the point i'm trying to illustrate is that this time around, when the potential for disaster is even bigger than the last time, i'm in more of a no worries mode. i have a feeling this is going to backfire on me somehow, but what're you going to do? they'll either fire me or target me next time. que sera sera.

that's such a bad mode when blane's reputation is on the line. i shoudn't be like that. but he seems to be very happy with where my store is at presentation wise. the biggest concerns i have lie with diana and sarah coming in tomorrow. i'm not sure either one of them will be ready to deal with jason asking them questions about customer service or anything like that. granted, it's all shit that they do in the first place, but it's just the ability to communicate those concepts is what concerns me. plus, diana's dress code isn't the most by the book. i fucking wish devin were here, because i know he'd be an ace in the hole with all of this shit. devin's my guy, but my guy is on the mainland. i should've just scheduled myself solo the whole effin' day.

i'm not sure why i stopped swearing as much. it's kinda weird...

so donna's going through all kinds of emotional issues right now. she's got absolutely no ability to cope with the divorce and lean on kevin at the same time. she's afraid of leaning on him too much because i guess she doesn't want to end up with him leaving her. but i keep telling her that kevin seems like a good guy and i can't imagine him doing that to her. i have a good asshole detector when it comes to other people. i've never gotten the vibe off of him.

for myself though, there's no radar... i absolutely cannot tell when a girl is being nice or when a girl is flirtting with me. in my mind, they're always flirtting with me which is terrible because it ends up with me going "huh? she doesn't like me? drats... i'm sad and depressed now."

i don't think chelsea wants me. i'm almost certain bre doesn't want me either. bre would rather just be friends with me. i'm sure she'd like to be close friends with me, but it's always going to be a little awkward on my side because i did want to be with her at one point so there's always some trace of feelings there for me. its that whole concept of you can't have a platonic male/female friendship. there's always one person who wants to fuck the other one... if not both.

(that usage of the word "fuck" doesn't constitute swearing because it was used as a verb)

chelsea, i get the feeling daigle said something to her. not sure what it is, but it just feels that way. i've more or less decided that i'm never going to ask her out because it's just too weird for me. i can't be myself in front of her anymore. she's going to get the bre treatment where i mostly shaft her if it's a work thing. what i need is for someone to plant the seed into her head that i'm someone worth looking at because i can't do it myself. i don't know if that's a good thing though because she might also be the type that doesn't want anyone to try to set her up. she'd have to do it on her own terms. ah nm...

i'm so tired... i still need to study all my work stuff... numbers and shit...

i can't wait till friday for my first day off in a long ass time it feels like. i've spent most of my waking hours at my store or someone elses. granted i spent the weekend on kauai but it was emotionally draining. i swear to god, everytime i looked at my grandpa lying in his bed, i wondered if he'd stopped breating. it's not that i want him to die, but it's just that i'm so wound up waiting for it to happen because now it just feels inevitable. granted, death is inevitable for all of us, 100%; it's just that much closer for him. but when he does die, he'll be able to come back that much closer to nirvana because grandpa was a good person.

oh, and plus, on sunday i was at my store, and then i went to ala moana and helped out there unannounced. and then i spent monday night driving back and forth between ala moana, kahala, and my store shuttling supplies and stuff. and then i was at my store till late tonight too. and the shitty part for me is that despite all the time i've spent the past month helping everyone else, no one's even really offered to help me.

i've gotten the few empty offers. and people have given me supplies, but no one's come to help me wipe down my windows or dust my store or fix my sections. it's all kind of dissapointing. i understand that everyone has way more to do at their store than mine. i also understand that we all need to take care of our own shit first. but still, when the chips are down, i feel like i've put more into helping the team as a whole than anyone else has. granted i haven't gone out to help moanalua, but i wouldn't hold it against him. but ala moana and kahala, i've been there a lot. no one's even offered to help me. even bre, who's told me that if i need something, she'd help didn't help. it would've been late at night, and she'd have to drive from millilani, but i'm pretty sure if someone had asked me to do it, i would've. i guess it's easy to make commitments to people, but it's tough to keep them.

i don't really ask any of them to help me out a lot either, i actually like being autonomous out there, but if someone would fucking offer that'd be awesome. i tried throwing it out there today too asking them for help, but no one even said anything like "i'll let you know, ryan" or "maybe i can." fuck, all month i've been going and helping without saying anything knowing that no one was going to get my back. blane keeps telling me that "if there's anything, you and me can do it." and most of the time that was true, but even then, blane hardly spent time at my store. he did a lot of walking through, but the heavy lifting was done by my staff and me (more my staff). it's not that they weren't thankful, but it's also i don't feel like just being thankful was enough. i get the feeling that it's a little taken for granted that i'm so helpful. i want to know when the reciprocity will happen. i don't think i'd seriously ask for favors, but at the same time i want to feel like if i truly needed help, i'd get it. it's not that i'm thinking any of this when i'm doing it, i'm not actively seeking favors in return, but at the same time, i'd also really enjoy the ability to get that back up when i need it. i honestly don't feel like i was doing it for the wrong reasons when i was helping, but i do feel a lot guilty for the way i feel when i think about it now.

ugh... i should just kill myself after this visit is done.

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