2008-08-24 - 11:45 p.m.
ever since that day when bre and i spent practically the whole day together watching movies and shopping and i realized that i didn't feel that spark for her, things have changed between us. i'm way more open with her now and i mean, i even call her to talk every once in a while, like how i used to do with donna until she found kevin.
it's so weird. i think i like her more now than i did before, even though i know i don't really like her. she's a wonderful friend, a little guarded, but i think if it ever go to the point where we were talking in private, she would talk candidly to me.
i know she wants me to be happy, and i know she wants me to be safe, and that's all very appealing. but the thing that makes it so that i'm not attracted to her is we just don't have the same interests and we don't communicate the way i want to in a relationship. i'm not sure how to explain it, but when we talk, it's... not the way i would talk to my gf.
the worst part about it is that donna said to me that she thinks bre's already fallen for me but just isn't letting herself go for it. i hate it when people tell me that they think someone likes me because i begin to believe it, and then it just gets messy for me. it ends up like mel, where i think she does like me and then i overstep my bounds and i piss off her bf.
i told max that since he's the one who said that she was coming of like she was interested in me. i told him to never say that kind of shit to me ever again because it's just going to fuck with my head. and then in came a girl who if i hadn't said anything to him about it, he would've said something about her too.
anyway....
so me and bre, we talk about stuff now on the phone (and i don't talk to anyone on the phone for more than a couple of minutes) with me actually calling her. i ask her questions about her life before i knew her, all that kind of shit. if you didn't know us, you'd think i was actively trying to date her now; but i'm not. but the weird thing is, if she came to me, seeking something more than friendship, i think i'd take it. i don't know what it is. i like her but i know i wouldn't like her. and she knows i like chelsea... but i'm not sure i like chelsea either.
chelsea's hot. seriously, she is. we have a few matching interests, and we'll see how she likes the book i gave her (along with bre and jasmine). but, i'm not sure if i'm so attracted to chelsea. i don't know that the two of us could hold a conversation, or at least one that would have my rapt attention. i still get that 19-year-old vibe off of her and it kinda bothers me. i get the vibe that she likes the attention of other guys, and that really bothers me. i also don't get a vibe that she particularly cares for my attention either. that, doesn't bother me so much right now.
i've got nothing but imperfect candidates for my attention, i don't know why it matters so much to me. ah fuckit, i'll just keep doing what i do, and maybe i'll meet someone along the way.
i think what i'd like is a mix of randi and dhyani. as much as i say i hate the both of them, i was in love with the both of them for a reason.
randi will forever be the measuring stick against which all women i date forevermore will be measured against because she was my first love. dhayni had features that i liked. her taste in litterature and music have deffinately shapped my own, and those two things are a huge part of who i am. and i know no one else agrees with me, but she was sexy when she wanted to be. more so than any other girl i've dated (which isn't sayin much of anything to be honest, but whatevers). i guess its like what donna said about having to work your way through a bunch of losers before you reach the one. she had to meet a bunch of assholes before she met kevin.
but she has an advantage, it's called a vagina. guys throw themselves at her. me? i can't even ask a girl on a date. it's going to take me a lot longer than the year or so it took her to meet kevin.
...if only i had a vagina...
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