2008-08-27 - 9:23 p.m.
holy shit, i just re-read a paragraph from my last entry and i think i should be more concerned about my drinking and typing than my drinking and driving. i think i'm better at the later.
speaking of drinking, guess whos spent the better part of the past 24 hours sloshed?
like seriously. most of the past 24 hours i've been drinking/drunk.
what? it's my day off god dammit.
yeah, i have a problem. fuck you.
y'know, i think when people look at me, i bet they don't think i'd be an alcoholic. i think part of that might be what drives me to drink. i love suprising people with who i am under the surface. i love it when people tell me that they're supprised that i like sports or when i tell them that i prefer reading to gaming despite my job. i just love fucking with people too much i guess. i bet that if i looked like an alcoholic, it'd probably be a lot easier to stop for me.
but i digress....
i hung out with bre and jeff today, and for some god damn reason i just felt angry this morning so we stopped at a bar in restaurant row and i had a drink at like 11 in the morning. i think it made bre kinda angry, but i was in a much better mood.
me and bre had a lenghty conversation last night about my drinking. she said that it might be one of the reasons why i have a tough time finding a girl because i spend so little time actually caring about how i come off when it comes to things like that. she's got a very valid point. one that i've heard before. my issue with trying to change that is i spent so much time changing who i was for randi and dhyani, i want to know who i really am. i think i'm naturally an addict and someone who enjoys his vices like drinking and masturbation and spending money. not necessarily all at the same time mind you. sometimes though... well, the subscriptions are paid for prior to the masturbation so it's not really simultaneously i guess. so no. not at the same time i guess.
but yeah. i think bre's mad at me.
fuckit.
god dammit.
did i write about how tiff told me that carlie misses talking to me?
i'm pretty sure i probably did, but regardless, that's been weighing on me a little the past week or so too. practically every day i drive past her house and i can't not look to see if she might be out there. she never is, but i always look. i guess i miss her too, but i don't want to have another girl that i like but doesn't like me in my life. especially one that i would get that close to. my whole life is about me getting into that friend mode with girls. people keep telling me that sometimes it's good to be friends first, but i don't know. people are reluctant to date their friends, so it just ends up in that awkward place. and you know going in that it's going to happen anyway because there's seriously no such effing thing as a platonic friendship. i will forever stand by that.
ugh, i lost the desire to write.
and i've regained it.
yesterday bre told me that she thought one of her professors was hott. it bothered me. a lot. because i'm the jealous type. i don't know if it's because i want her to be attracted to me, or if it's just that i hate hearing about how other guys are attractive when no one's ever said that to me. i'm always getting the cute reference and cute sucks. cute doesn't get your dick sucked. chicks don't want to fuck a cute guy. they want to fuck someone who's hot(t). but anyway, it's kinda just tainted how i've felt towards her in the last 48 hours. i've been kinda stand-off-ish with her this whole time. i don't think it's anything overt because she's not really the type it seems to delve into the deeper meaning of things like i do where everything said and unsaid has multiple meanings. but yeah.
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