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2008-10-02 - 1:15 a.m.

i've never been in such a disfunctional relationship before.

that statement's actually a lie.

it's a lie because me saying that is creating the assumption that i am in a relationship right now.

because i'm not if you haven't gotten the message yet.

but i sorta am.

so which one's the lie?

i don't know....

anyway... so me and alia had a conversation about how she feels like she's so "broken" (her word, not mine) inside. she says that she doesn't believe in love at all. that she doesn't see a point to putting herself out there ever again to be with someone. it's a little disturbing for me to hear this because i think she's saying it for my sake, but at the same time, i think she's saying it for her own sake. i know she likes me, i know she knows she likes me too. but i think that's where the problem lies.

for her to like me, would be opening herself up to a world of hurt like nobody's business in her mind--which is something she obviously doesn't want to do. so i think, that while she's trying to consciously push me away, she's also trying to keep herself at arm's length.

and while she's doing this, it's caused me to think about myself too. i realized that i'm just as, if not even more, jaded than she is. i realized that i conciously think that when i meet a girl i'm interested in, i don't think about how wonderful it'd be to date her, but how baddly it's going to suck breaking up with her. that's ALWAYS the thought i have inevitably. i so swear to god that's what i think.

btw, "jaded" is the word i use instead of "broken."

so where am i going with any of this? i've no fucking clue. i honestly think me and alia will end up dating and hating each other for it. i think we're eventually going to break up and hate each other more for it. i think i'll probably end up better off than she will because i think i roll with the punches better than she does. in fact i know i do.

i don't get it...

i like alia. i really like her. and i tell her that every day. i know it's a stupid thing to do to put it out there for her to hear because it's giving her the control of the relationship in some weird way. but at the same time, i guess it's also me controlling the issue. if i can get her to open up her heart to me, then i guess that ultimately makes me the winner, right?

does that make me a bad person? that i'm plotting and scheming my way into a girl's heart? i don't know... i'm not doing it malliciously. i don't even think i spelt that correctly.

i don't think it's me being evil because i know i'd be a good bf to her if we ever got to that level. it's like i say about my past relationships with randi and dhyani: they may find bf's who are better for them, but they'll never find a bf who was as good to them. i firmly believe that.

i guess i can understand why alia would be so jaded. she's been surrounded by broken relationships her whole life. her parents are divorced and hate each other. her whole family has been divorced except for her grand parents on both sides, but even they've got issues.

i'm the exact opposite. my parents are still married, my grandma and grandpa were married till the day my gandma died, most of my cousin's families are still intact. as far as i was concerned, divorce rarely happened, ever.

so i can understand why she feels the way she does. i can also understand why she's so hesitant to admit that me and her are practically there.

maybe hesitant isn't the right word: reluctant would probably be a more apporpriate word.

i know why she's so reluctant to admit it to me.

i even asked her about it today. i asked her why she doesn't ever say that she likes me back. she said that she hates to admit things. but i think it's got nothing to do with admiting it to me, and more to do with her reluctance to admit it to herself. i guess saying it aloud to me would be full admission of it. i told her that it was okay though, she didn't have to say it aloud because i already knew it, and then she said she ought to "fucking punch the shit out of you." ...or something akin to that....

i like alia. i was about to say that she's different than any girl i've liked, but when i think about it, she's really not. she's kinda reminds me of randi when i think about it. not in any particular ways, but certain characteristics remind me of her. the opionated side, the vocal side, the goofiness, the sarcasm, the deep desire to help people... there's more, i'm sure, but it's not worth thinking up because i'm only saying this for myself. alia says that i'm nothing like anyone eles she's dated or whatever the hell we're doing. i can belive that. she's told me about her ex's and they seem like douche bags. i know i'm better than those guys. i think that's part of the reason why she's attracted to me. but it also scares me because i don't think people change. i worry that she'd leave me for one of those guys after she gets herself back together. i guess i'm just like that.

alia says that i'm way more jaded and cynical than she is. i guess when you put it into perspective, i really am. i don't believe that people can change; i don't believe in platonic friendships between men and women, i think underneath it all, everyone just wants to fuck each other; i usually expect that people are going to lie and cheat at some point; i don't know. i guess it's a good thing that donna kept me around because she's the exact opposite of me. she see's people as being honest and good and not terrible. i usually don't trust people unless i feel that i can manipulate them.

i'm just down right terrible as a human being.

i've been reading a lot of zodiac sign stuff and i don't know if its the power of suggestion or just broad generalizations creating self-fulfilling prophecies, but i feel like i'm turning more and more into that stereotypical scorpio. alia and her mom both say that i'm very intense and that was one of the keywords for scorpios. manipulative was another.

fuck.........

i don't know what i wanted out of this post.

i guess i just had to say something about alia having that conversation about her not believing in love because it kinda hurt that she would say that to me. she knows i like her and i know she was saying that more to protect herself, but it also felt like a warning for me to back-off because she doesn't trust me to not hurt her, which really hurts me.

i guess i should say something about that eventually.

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