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2008-10-06 - 11:19 p.m.

i don't know what to do about alia anymore.

we had a conversation about us ever being in a relationship. we talked about how damaged we both are. we talked about how she has every reason to not believe in love, while i have no reason to not believe in it. we talked about how she's given up on even trying to find it and how i refuse to ever give up.

what it eventually turned into was a conversation about if she'll ever give me a chance to date her.

i don't think i've ever been so candid with a girl about how much i like her. but, at the same time, i wasn't asking her for a chance. i kinda came to the conclusion that i probably wasn't the right guy for her in the first place. i even said that to her. i told her that i think she will give love a chance again, that some guy will come by and sweep her off her feet and convince her to try it again. i also said to her that i kinda knew i wasn't going to be that guy. she asked me if i believed that people need time to heal, but i guess i don't because for me, i heal when i find that someone who can convince me that there is someone else out there that can love me unconditionally.

well, actually, we had that conversation last night while we were waiting for our takeout from asagio's. when i said that for me healing occurs when i meet that next girl who lets me know she likes me and i like her back, she poked me in the shoulder like "hey! you know i like you too!" but that's not the same thing. i told her "i know you like me, but it's different... there's all kinds of strings attached." and she acknowledged that i was right....

it was a very sobering thing for me to say. it was a really powerful thing for me to hear myself say too. it kinda put everything with alia into perspective.

the shitty thing that kinda launched all of this though was because i saw dhyani and c jaye on saturday.

it was exactly 11-months, to the day since i last really knew she was alive. i was at ala moana for our mini job fair and me and chelsey were standing in the front of the store handing out applications and talking to people, blah blah blah.... then i saw her and c jaye walking into the store and it just ruined me all over again.

she even stopped to talk to me and it was the most uncomfortable thing in the world for me. i stood there, trying to not show her that i was uncomfortable, trying to maintain a position of strength. i know she could tell i was uncomfortable. especially when i saw that she was with c jaye. i hate him. if he fell off the face of the fucking earth, i wouldn't give a shit.

alia asked me why it bothered me so much, she asked me if it was because i still had feelings for her. i don't. i can honestly say i don't miss her. i wouldn't mind if she suffered in fact. i don't wish anything against her mom or her sister, but if she's befallen with nothing but disappointment in her life, i would be happy. how she treated me gives me no reason to care about how her life turns out. the reason why it bothers me is because it's like seeing someone you thought was dead. for 11-months she hadn't existed in my life except as a name and a bad memory, but not as a physical being. and then i see her, along with the guy who i hold partially responsible for us breaking up.

i think that's why i was so fucked up enough to ask alia all those questions.

they say the best revenge is living well, i wish i could've let dhyani know that i'm probably doing way more successful than she'll ever achieve. i just wanted to ignore her. i remembered why i didn't want to be with her anymore though. her face was flushed, like she was either sun burnt, or drinking, or maybe she'd just gotten fucked by c jaye in the family bathrooms... who cares. either way....

it hurts to think about it.

i haven't been able to talk about it to anyone but alia either. which is kind of awkward. how am i supposed to let her know that it's okay to move on when i'm having trouble doing it myself. especially since i've been single for longer and i try to come off like i'm so strong emotionally. i guess i'm not and i'm weak.

it hurts to be with alia too. i know she likes me, she's told me so in as many words. when i look in her eyes, i can see that she likes me. but i can see in her actions that she's mentally trying to pull away. it's like her heart is telling her one thing, but at the same time, something inside of her is telling her the opposite. it's horrible for me because i don't play games when it comes to how i feel. i don't like to hide or censor myself, but it feels like i have to with her so i don't get hurt by a feeling of rejection.

i think i need to spend some time away from her. it's so hard to because i know i'm going to see her, and i know she's going to say something about it. but i also know it's the smart thing to do for my sake so i can get myself figured out. is it worth it to keep pursuing her? do i think she'll give me a chance? is it worth it? i don't have a single answer and that bothers me. i hate not knowing and not being able to figure these things out bothers me even more.

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