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2008-10-11 - 1:06 a.m.

i don't know why i do this to myself. i must enjoy putting myself through pain and all kinds of other stupid shit. if it's not one thing, it's another with me. i just can't catch a break this whole fucking week it feels like. nothing feels good about living anymore. i actually caught myself thinking for the briefest moment about jumping off my balcony and i was actually scared about who i was for a moment. at least i haven't hit the bottle yet. so yeah, i've been sober for over a month now... i've lost track of when i last drank. i still struggle with not drinking though. some part of me thinks i should go back to it. life wasn't so shitty when i was drinking. well, at least i had something to look forward to when i came home at least.... that's so unhealthy of me to think like that.

so the first problem of the day was it was busy. that's actually good though because it means i'm doing at least one thing right at work because apparently i'm not doing much else. i spent tuesday getting lectured by blane for about an hour and a half. i really felt worthless after that.

today i got lectured by rich. yippie... two boss' lectures in one week.

not to mention i haven't had a day off since saturday, but saturday didn't feel like a day off since i was at ala moana for the job fair and then i had to heap on seeing dhyani and c jaye.

yeah, that shit's still bothering me too....

and then i made it even worse by looking at randi's myspace and looking at the pictures of her and her bf. i knew it was a bad idea, but i went ahead and did it anyway because i'm just feeling really shitty today and i guess i'm tired because apparently my decision making isn't what i could be. yeah, i've been fucking up left and right. in life, at work.... i think i need a vacation, but i don't think one is coming anytime soon because blane and rich seem to want to push me to be something i'm not, which is a guy who argues with his boss.

my plan was to get jason to come to my store to take over for sarah. rich doesn't think it's a good move because if jason wants his own store, he's gonna have to go through ala moana's business level anyway. blane doesn't think so because he doesn't think jason's going to provide what i need from an assistant. i really don't give a shit what they think because i just want someone i don't need to train the basics on because that shit pisses me off. i'm not a good basic skills trainer. i've always been better at teaching more advanced skills because i need fast learners. anyway... what blane and rich both expect me to do is fight tooth and nail for what i want/need at work. i'm not that kind of guy who fights for anything. if someone tells me no, then i figure it's up to me to figure something else out. path of least resistance.

fuck....

and not to mention alia's just being herself. she always seems like she's so happy to see me, but it kinda feels like if i'm out of sight, i'm out of mind with that girl. even when i leave voice mails and shit, she doesn't respond or anything. it really makes me feel like i'm not important to her, despite what she says and how she looks at me.

plus, donna's dad told me that she's losing her house and her car. i can't explain to you how much that hurts me knowing that it's going to absolutely kill her and her kids.

i fucking want to drink but i know better.

i want to call alia and just let her know what i really think, but again, i know better.

and i want to give up and let myself just not care, but that'd just piss off ayn rand.

didn't see that bitch coming, didja?

i need a smoke....

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