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2008-10-13 - 2:53 a.m.

so the hits just keep on rolling....

i left my cell phone in the back of bre's bf's truck. great.

now i'm tired and i don't have any way for nick to call me tomorrow morning to let me know he's on his way to pick my stupid ass up. i fucking hate myself more than ever.

seriously....

can i just fucking shoot myself yet?

when is suicide justifiable?

i really don't want to deal with this shit anymore.

i'm tired but i'm too angry to sleep. when i lie down, i just want to smother myself with my pillow and kill myself for letting all of this affect me. i've never given a shit before. i've always been able to make this shit work for me. but for some reason it's just not working for me right now. i'm not even worried about getting fired, i'm more worried about not living anymore. i mean, i'm just waiting for a moment when i'm catching a ride with someone and then we get t-boned on the passenger side and i get cut in half which would've never happened if my car hadn't broken. i might've gotten t-boned whether or not i still had my car, but it wouldn't be me in dying because the incoming car would hit an empty passenger seat, and not me.

that's honestly what i'm feeling tonight.

i'm feeling like it's all going to end for me before the year is up. it feels like my whole world is slowly crumbling, and that it's really going to start to come down soon.... like everything is just going to implode on me. my store's going to be on fire and i won't have a job and jeezus i don't know.

whenever i feel good, something bad has to happen to ruin it for me. or at least that's what it feels like. i'm sure i'm just overreacting and i know i'm actually in a good boat with my life, but i don't feel that way. i just feel victimized by my own karma or something.

god, that's such a bitch thing for me to say: "victimized by my own karma." so gay... alia says there are no such things as victims, only volunteers. i guess that would make sense though because karma is all of your own doing.

you know what would seriously make me feel better? i'd feel a lot better about myself if alia would just tell me that she wants to be with me. it's this constant sense of loneliness that bothers me a lot. she doesn't even have to kiss me or have sex with me, just acknowledge that she does want to be with me and proves it by spending time with me in someplace where she's not the one in control (i.e. her house or starbucks).

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