2009-01-11 - 9:20 p.m.
me and alia had a fight today. we've kinda made up over it, but i still don't know how this relationship is going to end up.
first off, let me say that i do love her. she's the best thing that's happened to me in a long time, she's the best gf i've ever had too. i know she notices the little things i do for her, i know she appreciates all of the little things i do too. her family likes me too.
but the thing we had a fight about was that i don't feel like she shows her appreciation for me. i also told her that i don't feel like she makes any effort to be a part of my life. she doesn't like to come into town to spend time at my place, she's hella reluctant to meet my parents, and i don't even want to bring up meeting any of my friends because oki and nick live in aiea and justin lives in kailua, and if she won't even come into town for me, then fuck. i mean, even bre asked to meet her, but alia is reluctant about that too. she says that she meeting parents is scary, but i met gail, her mom; i've met kenji, her cousin; i've met her grandparents on her mom's side; kenji's mom; i'm going to meet kenji's brother sooner or later; i've met her best friend from alaska... and the only people from my life that she's met is nick and donna, and that's only because nick dropped me off at work while my car was broken and donna because donna used to go to that starbucks. and she barely even met nick also.
plus, i can't believe i'm saying this semi-publicly, we don't have sex. i know sex shouldn't be that important, but it kinda is truth be told. we've had sex once, and that was it. it's not like it was bad sex, infact, if anything, it was really really good for the both of us. but at the same time, she knows it means more to me than just getting my rocks off, it's about connecting on a level that i just don't do with very many people.
there's a lot of things that bother me about her, but at the same time, i love her a lot. i can't imagine being with anyone else. i know she loves me too. probably not the same way i love her, but i think it's because she doesn't love the same way i do. she may love me as much, but not the same way is what i'm trying to say.
i guess the biggest thing is that we're both kinda damaged goods. after randi and dhyani, i think i need someone that's going to constantly reassure me that they still love me. most of the time i don't need to hear her say it, but i want to feel it at least.
trust me, i know i'm needy. i know i need a lot of attention and i try to fight it to find someone that can put up with everything else about me. relationships are about compromise, and i think i do a pretty god damn good job of compromising with alia on a lot of things like not spending as much time with me as i want her to; her spending as much time with her cousins instead of me; her not wanting to meet my parents or my friends; her almost never coming to my appartment; and blah blah blah. what i want to feel is some fucking compromise back. we practically always do what she wants to do. i can barely remember a fucking time when i got to call the shots for the day.
take today for example, we were supposed to go to sea life park with jon and lauren (i work with jon and lauren works with alia and we're setting them up). i've been kinda planning this all week, and i've been really looking forward to it because it'd be like a real date that we get to go on, my idea and all. and then what happens? it all fell apart because alia didn't hear me ask a question about what time i should meet them in hawaii kai and then got a little mad at me for not being there when they agreed to meet. okay, that's not fair, she wasn't mad. infact i think she knew she fucked up on that. i was the only one who was mad. because i'm a bitch. but regardless, when i got there, i didn't even feel like going anymore because i felt like i got shafted and the only reason why she even left her house was because another one of her coworkers called her up to ask her to hang out while she was on break. seriously, i can't get alia to leave the god damn house to visit me, but someone else can? and i brought that shit up with her too. i don't think she had a really good excuse for it, and i think she knew it, but i didn't press the issue. infact, i know i didn't because a lot of the time when i complain, i just need to say shit and i don't care if anything changes half the time, i just need to say something.
when me and alia fight, she said that i'd have a way of making it seem more like it's my fault than anything else, and she was right. after i said my piece, i started to appologize for bringing it all up, i started to say that i felt bad because it felt like i was being a bitch, and that after we fight, i'd probably want to love her even more to make up for being a little fag to her. i think she really liked that that's how i feel. i told her that when i say "you may find someone better for you, but you'll never find someone better to you" that i truly mean it. and i really fucking do. i told her that i want to be the best bf she's ever had and ever will have. i could tell she wanted to smile when i said that but she couldn't because she has to act like a bad ass all the time. but i digress. all i want to do is make it so that she never feels like it could be better anywhere else than with me.
seriously, i want to be the best bf ever.
i know i have a lot of faults.
i'm the jealous type. apparently not of other guys like a lot of jealous types are, but of seriously fucked up shit like friends and family. i'm jealous that she'll spend so much time that we could be spending together with them. i won't bring it up because i know that's entirely unfair of me to say, but she knows it's there. she knows that i want to spend more time with her, and she knows that i fight with it. i don't get angry at her or them, i get angry at myself for feeling that way. but i also get dissapointed that i have to share the little fucking spare time i have.
that's another issue i have: i don't have a lot spare time. i spend more time at work than a lot of people do, especially people in a new relationship. i want to be a good bf, but how do you do that when you can't be around? granted she doesn't want to spend that much time with me, but you know what? i do. someo of my favorite moments together are when i'm just spending time with her doing nothing. two of my favorite moments were one night she had to write a paper for a history class so i came over after work and helped her re-write the first couple pages and stayed with her until she finished it, and the other was i was over at her house (as is practically always the case), gail was studying, chelsi (her bff) was reading a book, and kenji was playing 360. alia was trying to learn to play a song on the piano and i spent a good portion of the night just sitting next to her on the piano bench not giving a shit that i was looking like a sap listening and watching her. i could've been playing forza with kenji like he wanted me to, but fuck it, i wanted to spend that time next to her.
god... i don't know where i'm going with a lot of this. i can't imagine how difficult it is to explain exactly how much i feel about her. she "dominates my day" is what i told her today. what i mean by that is that i spend so much of my time during the day thinking about her. i wake up at 4 am to send her text messages before she goes in to work letting her know that i love her every morning and that i hope she has a good day. i'll spend my whole day thinking about her wondering what else i can do for her to make her feel like no one loves her more than i do. i mean, jeez-us! i don't know if i've ever been like this before, even with randi.
sometimes, i hate that bitch (randi, not alia). sometimes i feel like she's one of the people who really underappreciated me. i feel like she really took me for granted. i guess i'd be guilty about that too, but i'm the princess here and it's my diary to be angry in. i can't pinpoint it, but other people have told me that they felt like she ruled my life more than i let on. she kinda did. she really did.
alia doesn't do that to me. she doesn't tell me what i can and can't do. and i don't do that to her either.
we let each other know what we want the other to do, but we never really explicitly tell each other what to do. i'm going to sign up for a summer class at KCC for her, and i do my best not to drink for her (and myself). i brush my teeth every night now, i even floss on a semi-regular basis. as far as i know, i've gotten her to not smoke pot. i don't ask because i don't want to know if she has because i don't know how i'd feel. i don't know if i'd be mad at her (i honestly do think i would) or if i'd be sad and want to hold her because i'm dissapointed and scared (which is how i was with dhyani when i found out how much she'd drink and then drive).
i'm also struggling about her going back to alaska for a week. her ex-bf and his brother bought a round-trip ticket for her to fly back up there to visit everyone. i'm not too keen on the idea because sometimes i think you can't go home. if you leave somewhere to leave something behind, going back isn't really a good idea in my mind. there's a whole bunch of shit that she left behind in alaska. plus, i've never been too keen on the idea of talking to ex's. i don't talk to randi or dhyani. i don't even talk to carlie anymore after i told her that i liked her and she said she couldn't like me back that way. once someone turns you down like that, there's no way to remove the feelings of being hurt and you deffinately can't deny the love that you once felt either. i've never told alia to stop talking to alex (the ex) and i never will because i trust her, but it kinda does bother me that she does because it's something i don't understand how she can do it. she says they're still friends, i think he wants to get back with her and i think that was the purpose of the ticket. he says that if alia goes up and tells him not to see her then he won't, but i think that's a load of shit. i know he wants her back. i trust her, but i don't trust him. i'm not going to stop her from going, i'm not going to try to stop her from going because i told her that i'm not going to be one of those guys that controls her life, but it's going to really bother me the whole time that she is up there, and probably for a while before and after too.
plus the ticket's for spring break, when i was planning on trying to take some vacation time to spend with her.
i don't know man, all i want is a happy relationship.
i guess i am happy when i'm not feeling depressed about one thing or anyother, but shit, who isn't?
i guess my biggest problem is that i am happy with her, but i'm not happy all the time is my issue. there's a lot of time when i feel like she does love me, but not enough. i don't want to have to fight for everything with her, but it feels like if i want something i do have to fight. and i don't want to fight for anything because then she might resent me for it and i don't want that specter hanging over us. it's already there about sex and her spending more time at my place and about meeting my parents. three of the biggest things i'm dealing with her about. the next time we have sex (which is going to be in about five fucking weeks at the earliest because she's on a diet and then when the diet's over she'll be on her period..... fuck!!!!) i'm going to feel like i pressured her into it, and i'm going to feel really bad about it. i'm not going to lie, i really want it because yes it feels good, but it also feels good emotionally because it feels like i'm able to connect with her on a different level. and if she ever meets my parents, i'm going to feel like she's only meeting them because i insisted on it, not because she wants to know more about me.
she says that she doesn't come over to my house because she likes staying at home and she likes to be close to her mom and her mom likes to be close to her. that's cool. infact i think that's awesome that her and her mom are so close. but you know what? i like to be at home too. i also want to spend time with her alone where i don't feel like i need to careful about everything i do that someone else might not like me doing with them around like saying "i love you, alia" or "i love you more than a dinosaur is big" or just kissing her on the neck randomly. cheesey shit like that. other people don't really appreciate it when you do that kind of shit infront of them, and i don't like to do that stuff infront of other people because i'm not doing it for anyone else's sake but hers and i don't think they should be there for it either. but she doesn't want to come here for whatever reason. part of it is she's afraid that if we are alone, it's going to devolve into me wanting to have sex. fair enough. but i think i've proven to her that i can keep it in my pants for an extended period of time. and if she knows that it means so much to me, why doesn't she make any effort to appease me at some point here and there. but that's another argument. another issue i have is that her cousin, artie, kenji's brother, lives five minutes away from me and she'll go over to his house. yes, it's family, i get that. but i'm your bf. you chose me because you like spending time with me, prove it. spend some time with me where i want to spend it. i drive out to hawaii kai on my day off (my ONE day off most weeks) to spend time with you. show me some reciprocity.
is that seriously too much to ask?
be honest with me reader(s), am i asking too much?
am i being a faggot and acting like a bitch?
if i am, i'll work to change it. but i need to know if i need to change in the first place.
great, now i'm wracked with guilt again because i feel like i haven't given her a fair shot at defending herself. and i know i haven't because this is all how i feel and apparently i'm a princess and feel like i should be treated as such.
i tell alia that i want to treat her like a queen because the queen has to work for what she has. she has to rule in the absenece of a king so she earns what she has. i tell alia that she's better than a princess because a princess has everything given to her.
i don't know the point of that, but i felt like saying it. i love her. i really do. which is why it hurts to feel like this. i feel like i'm being unappreciative of her.
i really hate being like this.
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