2009-01-19 - 1:22 a.m.
i believe in "love the one you're with." that's my biggest problem. i know it is, but it's hard to change who you are, especially when you feel that people don't change. people can change habits, and conciously change how they react, but when it comes down to it and there isn't time to think, then they're going to react in the manner that they always would.
jenna used to say: "people don't change, situations do."
i'm not going to think that i don't love alia for as long as i'm with her. i probably will feel the same way about her even after we break up. i have a feeling we're going to break up soon. the way i want to be treated and the way she feels she can treat me just aren't matching up. i'm trying to adjust for her because i don't want to be alone again, especially after i finally found someone.
i'd rather be in a bad relationship than no realtionship sometimes... a lot of the time.
but fuck... i need her to let me know that she loves me because twice i've had the girl fall out of love with me. i know that's how it was with randi when she said that she wanted someone who "knew" what they wanted to do with their life. i also know that's how it was with dhyani when she said that she thought she could treat me like a friend.
that's where i'm weak. i can't go without being reassured that someone loves me because i'm afraid that someone won't be in love with me and i am with them.
i want to talk this shit out with her right now, but she doesn't want to deal with this. we were talking about this on the phone just now and she said that she wanted to go to sleep. i don't think shes going to sleep, i think she just didn't want me to ask more questions or say anything else.
i hate being like this, i really do. i hate feeling like i'm the bad guy because i'm the one who keeps bringing shit up, but fucking hell. i don't know that alia respects me and whats important to me or if she really wants to make the effort that i want back. she says that what i want is someone who'll do as much, if not more for me than i do for them. that's probably true, but who the fuck doesn't feel that way? who the fuck doesn't feel like they deserve to be treated the same way they treat the one they love?
i do want to be treated like someone who knows they have someone who'll treat them well. what i always tell alia is that i'm not afraid of anyone of her friends or family killing me if i break her heart because i know that i'm not going to treat her poorly. i know that shit for a fact. what i'm afraid of is that she's going to get complacent and expect this shit from me and not reciprocate the feelings back.
all i want is to know she loves me and that she's not going to fall out of love with me or that she'll give me the chance to fall in love with me.
fucking hell. i'm going to be a mess tomorrow, i know it. i'm not going to be worth a damn tomorrow. i'm glad i have gabe coming in with me in the morning so i at least have someone to talk to and someone i can leave on the sales floor so i can be by myself in the back doing shit so i can think this through.
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