2009-01-20 - 12:10 a.m.
"This is what I was afraid of. You always said that you were afraid that if we ended up together, we'd fight a lot. Well, I know I told you that if we ended up together, than you'd expect me to be perfect all the time, and if I messed up anywhere along the way, then you'd treat it far worse than you would for anyone else. I know I fucked up bad with you last night. I know I'm far from perfect even though I told you I'd be a perfect boyfriend to you, but I don't know if I can live up to whatever standards you hold me to or I've set for myself to live up to. I never ever stopped thinking how I could be a better boyfriend to you, I've never stoped wondering how do I let you know that I love you so you never ever feel like I have before. I know a lot of my priorities don't line up with yours, and for that I don't appologize because I'm going to take care of what's important to me because I don't ever want to be treated the way I've been before where I let my ex's run my life. You have a lot of reason to never want to talk to me again because I broke a promise to you. I told you I'd never treat you baddly, but I broke that promise. That's something I don't know I can ever atone for.
"All day long I've been thinking about what I'd do tonight. I spent the majority of the day telling myself I wasn't going to follow through and see you after work like I said I would. But when it came down to it and I left the store, I couldn't do it because I couldn't not do the right thing and try to talk to you and get this shit squared away one way or another. I think we seriously need to evalute what happened to us. Something's missing from when we first started dating; and I'm not talking about December 8th. I'm talking about after September and through November when we knew there was an undeniable spark for each other. The thing that's come between us has more to do with us losing that spark than everything I've ever brought up that's important to me. We've definately lost something along the way and I need to know what it was so I never do it again to you.
"I don't know if you even care, but the whole reason why I decided to say any of this is because I felt like I had to say this now. You told me that you hate passive agressiveness, well this is me trying to put it all out there without any snide undertones. You want a boyfriend that you think you can change, well this is me trying to change for you. Everything I told you when we were sitting in your mom's car two Sunday's ago when we had that first argument, I still mean. I want to be the best boyfriend you'll ever have. I want to treat you better than anyone has ever treated you. I want to love you more than anyone I've ever loved before. But I still feel that I deserve to be treated a certain way too because I don't deserve to be treated any less than I treat you. I'm going to call you on what I feel is bullshit when you spit it like I should be called on it too, but what we need to do is agree that sometimes we're both wrong and no one's right and get past that shit like we aren't doing right now. Neither one of us wants to admit that we've both got issues that aren't easily resolved in a couple of days because we're both bullheaded and don't like to be wrong even though we know we are, and neither one of doesn't want to be wrong especially when someone else calls us on it. I don't know if you agree with me on that, but we both fucked up on this one and we both need to figure out how we feel about the other one right now.
"I'll go first.
"I'm angry at you because like I said at the beginning, I don't feel like I'm getting a fair shot and I'm being judged against the concept of Edward--the perfect guy. Yes, I was smooth and charming to you at the start, and I realize that I haven't been quite the same that I was to you back in September. I'm also angry at you because even though I might not be acting the same, I haven't stopped feeling the same. If anything, I try harder for you now because I know you expect me to live up to those standards subconciously. I don't know how to make sure you know I love you is the biggest problem I have. You say that the one thing I can do is be sweet to you and only you. I don't know how else to go about it because I can't read your mind anymore than you can mine. If I try one thing and I don't get a response, then I think it's not working so I'll try something else that doesn't mean as much to you. I hate to bring this up because you said you hate it when I bring up old stuff, but I need to do this to illustrate a point. Remember when I first started to text you in the morning, trying to catch you before you went into work? When I stopped doing it you noticed. It took you a long time before you said something about it again, but when you did, it felt like you got mad at me when I said why I stopped doing it which was that you didn't respond back to me so I thought it went unappreciated. Right there we were both wrong. Why? Because I said that you didn't appreciate me and you because you got mad at me for saying that rather than trying to understand my point. Neither one of us was right because neither one of us wants to be wrong and neither of us can read the other's mind to know how hurtful some of the things we say to each other really is. But after you said that, I started doing it again, and this time I tried to text you earlier so that you would have time to see it and if you so felt, I tried to give you the opportunity to let me know that you did appreciate it if you had the time and even if you didn't have the time, I wasn't wondering if you did appreciate it because now I knew that you did.
"I think the reason why the spark's died between us is because we don't talk anymore. Both of us are busy. I understand that there isn't a lot of free time for us to talk because you have a ton of studying to do and it's not like I'm the most accessible person in the world working 60 hours + a week, but I think if we're going to make this work, we need to find a way to make it happen. And I don't mean the minor chatting that happens where you're watching TV, reading a book, and texting someone else at the same time. If we're going to survive as a couple, we need to have time where it's just you and me and we can talk and we can remind ourselves why we fell for each other in the first place despite all the jagged pieces that our hearts are in.
"Email me back because that way you have the opportunity I afforded myself to put more thought into this than me just trying to speak and stumble on what I was feeling all along but didn't know how to articulate it to you.
"Ryan"
i was happier when i was working 80 hours a week.
gabe was right. i think too much.
i don't know how to not think about everything though. my mind is always zipping through everything.
this is why i like to drink, because i stop thinking when i drink.
when i have time to think, i get depressed because i make up imaginary problems.
alia asked me why am i so sad before we started going out, and i never had a good answer for her.
i still dont.
i don't know? maybe i like being sad? maybe i'm afraid that if i'm not sad then i'm not working towards something better?
that's one thing that's always scared me, being complacent.
i've said all this shit in here before.
it's still true.
does this mean i'll never be happy? i fucking hope not. i've even found a reason to hate my job now. the job that i know i love, but i hate it now because i'm scared of my job for a new reason that i just invented.
i hate my job because i'm afraid it's not going to last and that i'm going to be left high-and-dry because i'm not good enough to keep my own damn job. I'm afraid that i won't be able to carry the store through the next few years when things are going to get real lean and because i've got one of the lowest volume stores in the entire state that i'll be one of the first ones to get axed. all those stock options that i still need to wait another year for, worthless because by the time i get them, the bottom's going to start to fall out of this industry with digital distribution and increasing consumer paranoia.
i'm not strong enough to carry the load because i let shit like alia bother me and distract me from what should be important: me.
i'm weak is what it is. behind every strong man, there's a strong woman. well, behind me is a vacant stall hoping that he can get his ass proped back up because he can't carry himself anymore than he can carry his store.
i swear to god, i don't have confidence issues, what i have are security issues. if someone isn't there to coddle me when i have these little bitch-fits, then i don't feel secure. i don't need reassurance that i'm good enough to do my job, i need someone to tell me suck it up and pull-my own ass up by my bootstraps.
i don't know what i meant by all that garbage. i'm going to bed.
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