2009-03-26 - 1:39 a.m.
"I don't know if you wanted to hear from me or if you were ready to put me in the past, but I once made a promise to you that I'd let you know if I thought you were doing something that I didn't think was right. Before I get into it, I need to say two things that if you don't like you can stop reading and move on with your life:
"1) I don't think you're doing this to prove something to Gail, I think you're doing this because you don't want to deal with her and everything else that's happening down here.
"2) I want you to come back because I miss you and it feels like you're leaving me, but if you're not coming back I'm not going to chase after you either.
"I think you think you're trying to prove to your mom that you can do this on your own; that you don't need her to survive. This isn't the way to do it. I asked you how you were planning on doing it up there and your answer was that you have a lot of friends and family up there. That's not going to prove anything to her because she's going to take it as you're relying on other people. I know this because your mom and I think along the same lines. You know that's true too because you know how similar we can be.
"I know when things get stressful you'd rather leave the situation and hope it's gone by the time you come back. I noticed it in microcosm one night when I was over and Kuro was annoying you. Your instinct was to leave the room. You said "I need to clean my room!" You might not think that's a valid point, but what I'm trying to say is that you just wanted to leave the room so you wouldn't need to deal with what was bothering you. Right now, life at home is giving you all kinds of problems. The bike, your mom, I imagine school's getting harder, your car broke, you and me started fighting again -- it's all piling up and you feel like you're drowning in it. Alaska must feel like an opportunity to leave all of it behind until you can catch your breath.
"It feels like that time you told me you were thinking of going to Arizona State University to change your major to International Law. I wasn't sure what was bothering you then, if it was the election or what, but your main goal was to leave the country as soon as you graduated if I remember correctly. I told you that I didn't think it was the best move for you then, just like I don't think this is the best thing for you now.
"The difference between then and now is negligible. It's the same song, different verse. Your mom suggested that you go there in-state rather than through web courses, just like your mom said you'd just stay in Alaska. It's not that she wants you to leave, it's just she deals with you saying this stuff like you're challenging her to beg for you to not leave her. The problem with her interpretation of it is that she doesn't like to beg because it's admitting she needs someone. She wouldn't take Chris back when he left her, even after he begged for her back, but they're talking again and I even heard her say she loved him. It's the same thing with you. She left you in Alaska, but she told you she missed you and you moved down here with her.
"I may not have the entire story straight, but I think I'm on the right track with that enough for it to resonate a little bit of truth.
"I was re-reading the paragraph about you going to ASU and I can still remember bits-and-pieces of the conversation. We were standing outside of Wal-Mart with Kenji while he was on a smoke break. It was the first time I outright told you I didn't think something you were doing was right or wrong. Things have changed between us since then. I'm more vocal about how I feel about things when it comes to you, but at the same time, I don't feel like I should censor my feelings anymore. I believe in doing what's best for yourself, but not if it's not the right thing to do.
"The night before you left, you asked me in the dark, "Do you always do the right thing?" I wanted to answer that I don't because it's more badass if I don't, but that wouldn't be me. I don't remember my exact answer, but I've been thinking about that question the whole time since you asked me that. Its turned into one of those simple questions that turns into one of those moments in your life when you re-think everything. The answer is no, but that I strive to. I haven't always done the right thing, and I'll continue to do things the wrong way here and there, but my goal is to make the right choice more and more often. I don't want to be the kind of person who goes through life wondering if he'll live to regret something he did in the past.
"Doing the wrong thing for the right reason doesn't count either. Not letting you know what I think just to make it easier for us would've been wrong. Telling you things you don't like to hear is the tough, but it's also the right thing to do. That's why me sending you this email was such a tough thing to do. I know sending this to you makes it harder on the both of us, but I promised you I'd do this.
"I want you back in my life. Selfish as that is, I plain want you back. I love the way we can share a look and know what the other is thinking. I know you by talking to you, you know me by looking at me. Its different with everyone else. People don't know me unless they talk to me because they assume they know me by what I show them. They know the me I want them to see. You know the me that I hide. You know the me that people don't pick up on because they're all dumb. I can't get that anywhere else. You are the only person who's ever really been able to do that. Not only that, but you're also the only person who will call me out on what I'm hiding. You're not afraid of confronting me when other people give up because I believe that I'm stronger than them. The only time you're not that person is when you give up on caring. When you want to bum out because it's easier than giving a damn. That's the part that I absolutely hate. I fell for you when you gave a damn about stuff: politics, your family, your friends, school, and me. You know that somewhere along the way you stopped caring and and that's when all the shit started happening. That's when we started fighting, that's when you bought the bike, you started staying out all night, not going to class, etc. You can't say that the world is piling on you because you dug yourself into that hole when you stopped giving a shit. You and your mom wouldn't be fighting about the bike if you had given a shit about her not wanting you to have it. You wouldn't be having such a hard time with some of your classes if you had gone to school for those two or three weeks. You can say that you are old enough to make your own choices about those things, but on the same token, you made those choices knowing there'd be consequences and you just didn't give a damn. Now that you do care that there will be consequences, you hate having to deal with them. You can't run from these types of things. Karma is a circle, you're going to come back around to it eventually.
"This paragraph doesn't fit in here, but after re-reading this letter, I needed to add this. I know you by talking to you, which like how you know me, is the exact opposite of everyone else. I know you by talking to you and more importantly, listening to you. People see how you are and they hear the things you say, but they don't know you because they can't listen to you the way I do. The same way you pick up on the subtle nuances of the way that I am, the change in my facial expressions or my posture, I hear the things you say in a fashion deeper than other people care to hear. You'll be hard pressed to find anyone else who listens to you with the same intent that I do because even when people say they care, they don't care as much as they think they do because it's too much effort. With me, it's effortless to care so much about what you have to say because I love listening to you. Even when it's scary or it hurts to hear you say things sometimes, I never stop listening. Every single time you said you were thinking about staying in Alaska before you left, I heard it. It scared me to think about, it hurt me to hear it, but I never stopped listening because I didn't want to miss anything else you might've had to say.
"If you choose to stay in Alaska, I'll never forget you or what you meant to me, but I also won't chase after you and I won't stop going on with my life. I want you to understand something about me too. I don't hate my ex's anymore. Being with you made me understand there's no point in it. I don't know what it is that made me change my perspective, but it did. I'll never hate you. But the reason why I won't chase you is because I'm not going to try to change anyone else either. If you don't want to be here, that's your call. If the way I am isn't a good fit for you then so it goes. You like me when I'm confident and cocky. You don't like me when I'm insecure or pushy. They're opposite sides of the same coin. I'm confident to hide other insecurities, I'm pushy because the cocky side of me thinks it knows best. It's who I am, and if that doesn't fit what you want, I can't change what you want nor would it be right for me to try. I'll move on with my life as I hope you'd want me to.
"If we never speak again, I'll won't forget the time we shared, the moments we had, the promises I made. I'm not angry and that's the one thing I wanted you to know more than anything else. I can be angry at the rest of the world for the rest of my life, but I'm not angry at you for whatever choice you make."
yes, i know it was poorly written and structred even worse, but it's late and i'm tired and i haven't even sent it to her yet.
i know i said in there it was the right thing to do to send it to her, but i don't even know if thats true or if its about me wanting to get the last word. i don't fucking know. i miss alia dearly. i really do. but if shes going to keep pulling this kind of shit on me, i don't know if i want her back in my life. i hope she'll grow out of it and this kind of junk'll stop happening to me because i just want to be happy with her, with someone, with anyone.... not really anyone because i couldn't be happy with karen. she'd bore me to death. but fucking hell, i still want to be happy and alia can make me feel that way.
i don't know if i'm scared to be alone... i probably am.
i miss her. we haven't talked since friday i think. i've been busy and scared. i'm scared she fell back in love with alex over me, i'm scared she fell back in with the wrong crowd, i'm scared that she's leaving me for her old life. i live my life being scared, but god dammit, it also drives me to do the best i can.
people ask hypotheticals like "what would you do if you knew you were going to die tomorrow?" i don't like that question because it implies living like you're not scared. but what does being scared do? it keeps you alive first of all, it keeps your ass in check from doing shit that would normally a) get you killed or b) put your ass in prison. if you weren't scared of consequences, then we'd all forgot the shit that we've learned in the past. you know why we haven't dropped another nuclear bomb on anyone? because we remember what happened in hiroshima and nagasaki. giving a fuck about consequences keeps you from doing stupid shit. that's why i have no problem living in fear of things.
so what does this all have to do with alia?
she stopped caring about consequences for awhile after christmas and now they're catching up with her. when things catch up with her and she gets in too deep, she runs away. that's why she wants to stay in alaska. that's why i felt like i had to write that email. to call her out on her shit and give myself some closure if she stays there.
fuckit, i've said my piece, i need to go to bed to sleep on whether or not i'll send it.
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