2009-03-28 - 2:38 a.m.
i know i've talked about this before, but a haircut is one of those things that i use to change who i am or how i feel about myself, therefore changing how i feel about everything else in my life.
i never know what i want when i go in, but i always walk out feeling better about myself, even if i don't necessarily really like my new style.
it'll grow on me, i'm adaptive.
(i might also be able to create my own words, or at least spellings... i'm not really sure on that because i spells really horribles)
i got a haircut/therapy session yesterday/two-days ago (since it's like 2:45 am) and i told my stylist "have fun" when she asked me what i want to do. so she tried (emphasis on "tried") to thin out my hair and we went with a no gel/not-slicked-back approach. it makes me look cuter rather than sharper i think.
either way, it changed how i look enough for me to feel better about what's going on in my life.
i'm at the point right now, where i can at least tell myself and kinda believe that i wouldn't mind if alia didn't come back next week or for a long ass time. i can say this in theory because in theory it's how i feel. if she does come back it could throw a huge monkey wrench into it, but right now, if she stayed in alaska, i would be fine with it (and also minus $170, my entourage collection, one nice hurly jacket, and my copy of guns, germs, and steel). i don't miss her so much anymore, but i do admit i'm constantly checking my phone to see if she's text'd or called every 10 minutes.
how do i justify saying that? that sounds really contridictory....
i guess i can justify it by explaining it as i'm not sad that she hasn't called or text'd.
if she did do one (or both) it might screw me up for a while. it probably would... most likely would... it would screw me up for a while. i would miss her, i'd be sad.
but i'd get over it because she's not going to rule my life or control my emotions the way i let her before.
i'm also not going to let our relationship turn into that kanye song "heartless." it's pretty damn on the spot though. scary thought.
either way, if she does come back, i don't want to be with her anymore. she's only going to get tired of me and leave me again. fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me.
a big part of me is scared that she still does have some power over me (a lot of power, actually; because i'm a fag). i'm afraid that if she does try talking to me, i'll give in to her again because she has a way of making me feel like she gets me like no one else does. she has a way of making me feel like she really does love me, and it appeals to me because its what i want so desperately (that word sucks by the way). and she's manipulative enough to know how to get her way.
what i need to do is be stronger than her and not break. i think it's what scared her away from me before was that i was too strong for her. she couldn't break me as easily as she broke some other people. i'll never cry for her for one, i'll also never chase after her either. if she's waiting for me to call her or text or email, its not going to happen. i almost broke, but i knew it'd be a bad idea and i talked to someone that i knew would reinforce that thought. it's, she's, just not worth the effort, even if it means getting the final word in and sticking it to her so that she would know that "you'll never find nobody better than me."
what sucks is that the only time i ever find a girl that i do like is when i'm not looking, but it's hard to not look either. all my ex's kinda just happened. randi was when i was kinda interested in julie. dhyani was after me and randi broke up. alia was when i was interested in chelsey. i even told donna i was going to marry chelsey. it'll never happen now because she's living with daigle, but she still would seem like a perfect match for me on the surface. cute asian girl and an english major. everyone laughs when i say that, but it's true. there's something sexy about a litterate woman for me. i have it so bad for girls that work at bookstores. it's like an automatic bonus 10 points or something.
i'm going to bed, i ran at like 1 am and it's 3 am and i work straight through wednesday, plus it's been a long week, because of spring break and pokemon and the major bump in distros because of the stupid gameday sale coming up and we've got GH:metallica and the dsi launch and our dvp is coming in very soon.... and alia. shit... stupid girl make me act silly in the brain.
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