2009-04-11 - 3:38 a.m.
i... i don't know if i miss alia or if i just miss feeling like someone out there liked me. it's probably the later.
well, i know there're people who like me, but someone who liked me that i liked back i guess.
shit, i don't even know if alia really liked me or if she was using me to be honest. that's a shitty feeling.
i don't think she cheated on me with her ex while she was up in alaska, and frankly i don't want to know if she did because then i'd just be really hurt, but i also wouldn't be suprised because of the way she treated me before she left. refusing to commit to me in a relationship and it seemed like she was talking/texting him more than normal. plus, it felt a little like she was trying to pick fights with me to be mad at me so she could possibly justify it while she was with him.
most people would (actually, all people) would say that i'm thinking way too much. i know i am, but this is what happens when you're awake at 3:45 am listening to music.
i guess, i just miss the feeling.... return feeling is a good way to put it. it's more than just your own feeling, it's also getting a feeling back. i mean, shit. alia got me. she understood what made me tick. it's a naked kind of feeling. she knew how to make me feel emotionally like i had nothing on to hide who i really feel like i am. i hate it when people know what i'm really thinking because i don't like people knowing things about me if i can control it. it gives them ammo to use against me. alia could see what i was feeling and she knew how to use it against me or to help me.
and it doesn't help that i still have to see her every once in a while because we both work in the same fucking mall. the first time i saw her, she ran and it felt good. it felt like i had the power because she didn't want to see me. the second time she kinda blew me off like i was nobody, and i felt sad. we were even, but i lost the last match so it left a bitter taste in my mouth. then, she had to grab something from my store so she called before i opened and luckily devin was in there with me. i let her in and it felt kinda like she wanted to corner me and just see me or talk to me alone, but she couldn't so she played it off like she was cool. i played it like i was ice cold, but i don't know if it was a natural thing for me and it felt like i was trying to avoid eye contact with her and she probably noticed. i let my guard down by keeping it artifically high. like a boxer who exposes his midsection while trying to block his face. she knows she still has some power over me.... but i guess i should take sollace in the fact that she tried to talk to me first.
we're broken up but we're still playing games.
i don't want this to happen because i don't want to be like kanye in "heartless." i don't want her to steal my soul.
i wish i could get over it, but its so hard knowing how she is too.
alia is the type of girl who always gets her way and if she doesn't she'll work to get it. she eventually got her dog....
i don't know. if it's anything like the first time we broke up, she'll let it be like this for a few weeks and then she'll try to talk to me because she won't like the fact that i told her i don't want to be with her. she'll want me back so she can break up with me when she's tired of my antics; and when i say "antics" i mean the way i am, not like me being stupid and treating her like shit.
she'll want me back because she misses the feeling of being adored the way i can coddle a woman's feelings. she'll also want me back because she'll hate the feeling of a guy hating her. even her ex's still love her. i know it'd bother her that i'm not head-over-heels for her still because she likes to bring up that every guy she's dated or seen has been crushed when she chose to not be with them anymore.
and she knows that i'm not that way. she knows that i'll hate on my ex's until i'm ready to be over them. she knows that i won't come crying, begging for her to take me back, and i know that'd bother her because it bothered her the first time.
i actually relish in the feeling of knowing that i'm stronger than her. she tries to come off like she's the hardest bitch in town, but that's because she hasn't met me. and i'm not even that tough. my parents are tough people. but that's a different discussion....
i'm strong and i'm getting stronger every day. i can feel myself learning more about who i am because of things like this and my job that teach me that i am strong and that i have room to grow and become stronger.
i guess another thing that bothers me is i can't find anyone worth being attracted to either. my whole existence is seemingly defined by who i want to be with. i need to be attracted to a girl to feel good about myself. i mean, there is someone but it's not going to happen. she's just not into me like that.
i'm sure she even knows how i feel but she doesn't want to believe it because it'd just muck things up for her. it doesn't help that zodiac sign wise, we're compatible. it's the first time i've even been compatible with a girl since i started semi-believing in this shit. well, me and dhyani were compatible in that scorpio's are occasionally compatible with each other depending on who they are personally.
i can feel myself being attracted to this girl more and more every day. i didn't even intend for it to happen. i just wanted to be friends because i missed having a friend like her, someone who i could just be myself around, faults and all... especially the faults. i try to be perfect, or at least near perfect around so many people. around her, i can just be myself. insecure, awkward, nerdy, and it doesn't feel weird when i also want to be masculine, poised, jock-ish, and everything in between. i don't know. she makes me feel like i can let my guard down. she's always made me feel like that. i smile when i'm with her. i don't know how to explain who weird that is. i don't feel like smiling when i'm by myself. infact, i notice that i walk with a scowl if i'm by myself. okay, maybe scowl is a little strong but fuck you.
and when i try to smile to girls i don't know, like the girl who took my order at CPK the other day, i just get a frosty feeling back. ugh... i'm such a bitch.
donna told me that i need to smile more and i'll open myself up to more people. it feels like it's not working!!!!
i hope nothing happens to my lunch date with donna next week. i really need to see her so i can just talk about everything. breaking up with alia, falling in love with _________. okay, love might be a lot strong.
i feel like drinking again somedays. smoking deffinately.
sleep might be good too.
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