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2009-04-22 - 1:03 a.m.

carlie's been helping me clean my place for the past week or so. we've gotten pretty far. i've thrown away a lot of stuff.

and not just junk that was lying around, stuff i wouldn't have been able to throw away myself.

i had one picture of me and randi. it was the best picture i've ever taken. it was better than the picture we took at the military ball when i was a senior where no one goofs off in pictures but we did. the picture was of me and randi at the ihilani resort one summer when brett and michelle came down to visit and the whole family went out. it was sunset and randi's mom just took a picture of brett and michelle as the sun was setting and she hurried me and randi into place to take that picture. it was perfect. the sun was in between the two of us holding each other and the smile was the sort of smile i wish i could wear every day of my life. it was one of those pictures that you would risk your life running back into a burning building to get that's how much it meant to me. i threw it away last week.

well, i made carlie throw it out in the trash bag for me, but it i let it go. it hurt.... the next day, carlie called me for something while i was at work and she mentioned something about it and i felt my heart sink. it hurt so much when i told russell about it too.

i guess it's better that i did throw it out though. it wasn't doing me any good to have a perfect picture of an ex lying around. what good would that do me only to bring me down more when i'd look at it. i've been throwing away a lot of stuff from when i was in high school too. i just don't want to associate myself with my past anymore. i don't know what it is that has me so ready to put every thing behind me. i just want to move on with my life already.

i wish i still had donna wispering in my ear every day that i am awesome, i can be okay by myself. i don't have that anymore. i tell myself those things, and i mostly believe them too. i know i'm good at my job, i know i'm better than a good chunk of people who breath the same air that i do. what i need though is someone else to tell me these things too because otherwise i get down on myself and i start thinking about the things that i'm afraid won't happen for me.

i'm afraid i'll never move forward career wise. i'm afraid i'll never find someone who i can stand that can also stand me. i'm afraid i will find her, but she won't find me.

i want to call a psychic.

i know someone who did and she said it made her feel better about life situation. things might be bad, but at the same time, they'll get better and she'll be the reason why. i want to know things will be better for me. i need to know that i can be happy by myself first though. that's kinda when i found alia, when i was getting to the point where i was fine being single. i lost that again. i don't want to be single because i'm afraid it's just going to be dating for the rest of my life. fuck. that. noise.

i should get some sleep. i have a meeting with blane and john (the RD) tomorrow morning and i need to be able to think clearly for this meeting because i'll be "setting the tone" for the rest of the day.

that's why i had carlie make me cookies for them!

....i'll wipe the shit from my nose later.... fuck all you guys.... bastards.... my pokemon don't judge me.... well, i think they do actually, but i haven't figured out how them loving you affects anything. screw this i'm out.

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