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2009-04-29 - 1:30 a.m.

me and carlie cleaned up my place a little bit more again today. i pretty much threw away every picture i've ever owned. every picture from high school is gone. from every dance, student gov event, even my project grad. every picture is gone. it hurt kinda. not as bad as the first time i had to do it, but i found the one picture where me and randi were praying to the PS2 box. geez...

my children one day (if i have children mind you) will ask: where are your pictures of when you were younger? and i'll say "i threw them away when i was in my twentys. because i needed to relearn who i was, not who i used to be." and then my children will look at me confused because they'll be seven when they ask me that and won't fully get the meaning of the comment.

i ran into alia's mom today. it was a little awkward for me because i like to make drama in my head. gail was visiting alia at work i guess so on my way out i said bye to gail, she said something so i struck up a conversation and we talked about the dog for a bit, she showed me a picture. the whole time i'm sure alia was really uncomfortable because she still won't really look at me. i feel stronger because she won't look at me. i know i'm handling it better than she is, and that makes me happy.

i saw blane on sunday and monday night too. sunday was a work thing, first thing i did was appologize (again) for fucking up last week. monday was weird because i saw him in the parking lot at kahala mall. he was wearing shorts. never seen that ever. oh well. carlie said he looked like a dork.

me and carlie spend a lot of time together. we even got a little drunk on monday night with tiff and her bf. she's kinda sneaking around behind vagina-boy's back with me, but it's not really because we're not doing anything at all. like we don't even hug hello or good-bye, shake hands, high five, etc. all it is is companionship between us. things just don't feel so bad even though we're constantly dealing with shit in our lives. i mean, she came to my place last week and this week, and we did was clean up.

i think all the guys at work want me and her to hook up. i like that they want me to be happy. i can't be happy with carlie though because she needs to break up with vagina-boy first, and then i need to talk to her about how i feel. i don't even know if i should feel this way. that's why i stopped talking to her for a year, because she didn't like me back. that's why i started talking to her again, because i thought i was over it. to help deal without her, i turned to alcohol, she said she felt like she couldn't handle it at times. it's like we need each other.

it kinda feels like she knows it, but doesn't want to admit it. it's just a feeling i get, kinda like when i had dinner at asagio's with bre that one time and she was looking at me, but it wasn't like a "i'm into you" look but more like a "i don't quite know what it is but i'm not into you" ...except, you know, opposite.

i miss feeling like someone who i could be with liked me. i don't really have that cocky attitude anymore where it feels like every girl likes me. which i guess is good.

i ran tonight, and it felt good. i had a morbid thought too. i started thinking it'd be really funny if i got run over by some kid who stole a car and then claimed they were emulating grand theft auto. i can imagine the headline: "gamestop manager hit by child immitating video game" y'know, nevermind the fact that if the kid is letting a video game influence them, they've probably got more problems than playing video games.

i know i'm jadded because i kinda don't mind letting people down because this way they'll expect less of me. you know you're a terrible human being when you want people to stop expecting things of you so you don't mind letting them down.

i hate life sorta. i just need sleep i think.

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