2009-05-10 - 12:08 a.m.
i'm pretty sure i bring this stuff on myself. well, of course i do because no one else is responsible for the things that happen to me except for me because i'm in control of my life and i invite the things that happen to me into my world based on what i do or do not do.
(that was a freakin' long sentence.)
so like i was talking about last night how alia gave me back the shit i bought (well, every thing except for the ipod ac adapter that she can use with that stupid iphone) for christmas for her, i gave it back to her today. i saw her working so i walked all the way back to my store, grabbed the pink box (which i felt kinda queer walking with) and stood inline and put the box on the counter and told her i didn't want this stuff back. she didn't take it the way i wanted her to... she seemed to take it like i wanted her to still have the stuff. it was more like i didn't want it back because i'm done with her and all her stuff. oh well... she gave me my coffee and gabe's donut for free.
but the whole time we were standing there she was looking at me like she loved me again or something. the whole time i was there i was trying to maintain eye contact with a stoic look bordering on intentionally-stoic-so-you-don't-get-anything-out-of-me. but i guess she took it like she's still got a hook in me. god, if there's anyone in this world who understands me better than i do it's her.
and when i went back before gabe left to get a refill, she was still there and she seemed to be happier to see me than she normally is. i don't like it. i don't want her to think that i want her back. i want to break her so she comes groveling back to me again. i want to make her beg and feel so low that she doesn't have that swagger she carries. but if she thinks that i'm being nice to her, then she gains confidence and i can't destroy her anymore.
god i'm horrible....
i'm even more horrible because i'm also seeing some positive in this too. if she thinks i do like her again, and i don't give her any emotion, then she'll go back to wondering what's wrong with her after i don't respond to her. i can keep her on a roller coaster. i'm such a douche bag. i don't know why i'm like this. i've never been vindictive like this before. i guess this is me growing into who i truly am. i am only 24, so i do have a shit ton of growing and maturing to do i guess.
the longer carlie stays with jeremy, the more likely i'm going to want alia back.
fuck you jeremy. fuck you carlie. fuck you alia.
fuck you jeremy for being a dick to carlie.
fuck you carlie for not breaking up with that asshole.
fuck you alia for being so alternately wonderful and horrible.
fuck you ryan for being such a dipshit.
this is one of those times when i just wish i could curl up into a ball and die.
...or i could just drown.
remember that? it's what donna told me to do. just drown. just accept that things are going to happen and life will become more peaceful. stop trying to fight everything and just accept it.
fuck.
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