2009-05-20 - 12:34 a.m.
two things i deffinately want to write about:
motivation
me thinking and over analyzing everything alia does
1) motivation
blane's challenging us to motivate each other in the district. for the past week-ish, we've been challenging in selling subscriptions store vs. store. blane's main way of doing this is by having each of us call each other out to match the other's productivity and then send some other smack talk. i think to a certain extent it's working on the younger guys in the district but it seems like it's not working for the guys that need the motivation (maui) and the older guys (rich and ed). for me, i only get involved to goof off because talking shit does nothing for me. it doesn't motivate me when someone else calls me out and i don't like to talk shit because i rarely ever live up the shit i claim i can do. i get why blane's having us do it, and it works for some to get them going, but for me, it doesn't at all because i'm not motivated at all like that and this has really shown me that and it's really given me a reason to look within myself and figure out what does motivate me.
it's funny because one of blane's things for me during my review was this development plan where we write down things that we want to improve on. one of the things he made me write down was that i need to figure out what motivates me and re-evaluate how those things that do motivate me can be used to motivate me to do my job better. it's becoming clearer to me how i really only get up for what i want to get up for.
i guess i've kinda always known that one thing that does motivate me is being accountable to those who place their trust in me. i feel incredibly motivated to do my job well for blane's sake. i'm not doing it for blane because i think he needs me to do things for him because he can't do them himself, i do it because i am firmly appreciative of the faith he places in me to do what i do well. that's one of the major motivating factors in my life. i also feel accountable to the rest of the team because they indirectly place their faith in me to carry out my shit so i don't bring the rest of the team down. i remember when we had a bad inventory result, i could've easily blamed it on the fact that i had people stealing from me, but i still sent an appology to the other managers that i didn't do my job well enough and dragged the district down a hair. i didn't just do it to kiss blane's ass, but i did it because i honestly felt like i owed it to them to answer up to what i didn't do right.
i think blane knows that's one of the biggest things that motivates me and i think he appreciates that in me. i think that's why on friday or saturday he asked me to push the issue with underperforming stores when i did a final update for him. he wanted me push them because he knows i'll take it seriously if i don't feel like they're not taking their responsibility to the rest of the team with the same intensity i do.
2) alia
i know it's not just alia that i tend to over analyze because i just did it with blane five seconds ago, but alia's kinda different because she ends up being the microcosom for everything that's wrong with my mentally and emotionally. and by "everything" i mean only a few things.
we can go days without speaking or nothing more than a head nod (if that much because we'll try to avoid each other's glance). today though, alia had no chance to avoid me because she was working the register when i went in to grab my coffee. so rather than just ring me up, she started a small conversation. she told me about her dog (whom i miss, btw). so to make awkward conversation back, i said (slightly under my breath) "i miss your dog..." and then i followed it up with this genius of a question "do you take him walking?" and she told me that she does and that she's getting exercise now, but that she hasn't quit smoking yet. i told her "that's good" and "i never expected you to (quit smoking)." she laughed in that "i appreciate you being the wise ass i know you are" way that she does. i smiled my little cocky/i know how cute i am smile and left.
i immediately started thinking and analyzing the whole conversation. i was thinking "why'd i fucking say i missed her dog? that show's weakness." "why did she start up a conversation with me in the first place?" "why'd she make an emphasis to tell me she get's exercise?" "fuck! too much thinking" is what i told myself, but it didn't stop me from thinking anyway.
the answers i came up with though were: yes you did give away something when you said that you missed the stupid dog, she started up the conversation because she was talking to the person in front of me and didn't want to create awkward silence around me so it kinda just flowed to a safe topic of conversation for her, and she told me about the exercise because she wants to prove to me that i'm not the only one who can do something good for themself after our relationship ended. i also don't believe that she walks the dog all that much either. i think it's one of those times when she does something once or a few times just to say she does it and then overstates it to make it a point.
the best part about this is that i bet in anyone else's mind, she was just making conversation and i'm being a dumbass by over thinking it.
i wish i didn't have to see her all the freakin' time. there's still a big part of me that wants to talk to her every night. i fight the urge to find an excuse to talk to or text her at every opportunity. someone she worked with last summer applied and i almost text'd her to ask if she was any good. whenever i come home from running, i look at myself in the mirror and i think how good i look and i want to send her the picture to let her know what she's missing out on. my coffee got cold this morning and i wanted to text her to bring me a fresh cup like i used to before we were dating. i look for excuses to talk to her because i miss her, but i also dread it when i get the opportunity to. i look for her car with some eagerness to see her, but when i do see it, i flip that switch and it turns to dread. i alternately miss her and fear her. i don't know what to think.
what i refuse to do though is let her win. i don't want to crumble and let her have her way by being friends with her because then she'll think she can walk all over me and i don't want that again. she thought she could get away with it last time, and she did for a while, but what she learned was that when i said i was stronger than every boy she's dated, i meant it. she said that every ex she's ever had has begged for her to come back, and i told her that i would never ever do that, and i did it once, but i plan to never do that again. part of me wants to take her back and just treat her like shit, not to prove a point, but just to know if that's what works. but that wouldn't be me. and i don't do things out of character all that regularly. well, at least i don't think i do.
3) carlie
that feeling that i used to get when i would think about alia, that tingling i'd get in my hands, i just got it thinking about carlie, but it was with a pang of hurt too because it's like, a do like her, but i don't think i'll ever end up with carlie, ever. and even if i do, i don't know that it'll be what i hope for. i've kinda got this impression that carlie's the one i've always been destined to be with, but it feels just short of perfect. like 95% perfect. not like that haruki murakami story about when the guy see's the girl he knows is 100% perfect for him. it's kinda sad because i thought randi was gonna be that chick, and then well, that's history. she seems happy and it doesn't hurt me, but it's still kinda sad. and then carlie's the person that's going to make me the happiest but she's not near that perfect feeling that i thought i once had. then again, with randi, i might just be thinking about only the good and not everything.
stupid scoprio brooding.
i'm tired. i'm going to sleep.
�
�
