2009-06-01 - 12:35 a.m.
it honestly doesn't feel like a good idea to write in here. I'm not sure why it doesn't feel like a good idea, it's not like it really makes any difference, but I feel like it's time to shut this thing down. this is one of the very last things I still do that feels kinda high school. I've shed every thing else almost except for this.
oh well.
carlie told me that the last time she told a guy she liked him and he turned her down it felt embarassing. i think i'll know what that feeling is like tomorrow.
that started off sounding a lot better than it ended. it could've been a really good leede (leed?) but i had to ruin it by continuing to write. who'm I kidding, it wasn't that good, it's been done before and I just stole it off of someone else. lame ass....
I think it was sunday, she told me that her and vagina boy broke up. y'know, that should've been perfect timing and if my life were story book, it would've lead to a great vacation. she would immediately have recognized me as being the type of guy she's always wanted, we could've slipped right into each other's lives seamlessly, and my week of vacation would've been the start to the rest of my life. hell, i would've even have made a good impression on blane with our trip to maui too! personal and professional life moving in the right direction, all in one week of vacation.
half of it worked out. blane wants to take me back to maui to help out. i'm totally down with that. i had a good time helping out those managers, showing them things that i do, talking to them about accountability to the district and each other, including me to them to help elevate them to the standards that we have on oahu.
the other half sucked ass. well, it was good until the end. the end left me with this really empty draining feeling.
seven days was all it took for me and carlie to break up without ever going out. (i should save that, it might make a good short story for next semester.)
the whole time, i kinda knew it wasn't a good idea to let her know i re-liked her as bevin would put it. hell, i wasn't even sure if it was a good idea to re-like her in the first place. but i guess it's my nature to have to like someone. oh well, anyway....
on saturday night she called me while i was at home on a self-impossed carlie-free day. she asked me to meet her at manoa park because she needed to talk. so we went there and the first thing she told me was that she'd fucked up and that she'd lied to me. i spent the rest of the time talking to her without looking at her. that's one of the things i remember most of the conversation, once she told me that i didn't want to look at her. once i realized that i wasn't looking at her, it made me want to turn my head even further and not even catch perephial glances of her to make it even more obvious to myself.
anyway, she'd lied to me about not seeing vagina boy since they'd broken up. i wasn't suprised that she had seen him, but i really didn't appreciate her lying to me. that's one of those things that i don't take well. if you fuck up, i'll accept that to an extent. but if you lie to me, that's something else.
from there, it turned into a conversation about her learning shit the hard way with boys. then it turned into a conversation about her feeling guilty about coming to me about all her guy problems. and then it turned into a conversation about me.
it turned into about how i'll never be the type of guy she'll like, it turned into about how i'll never be with her, it turned into "what do you want me to do for you to help you?"
the fucking most ironic thing about that conversation was that was one of the last things alia asked me too.
carlie said i sounded like a victim when i started philosophising about that. "the only time girls ask me what i want is when they tell me that they'll never be with me." i did sound like a bitch and it made me want to kill myself even more.
what it ended up being was me telling her i don't care if she calls me in two hours, two days, two weeks, two years, or never because i was never going to call her. if she needed me, i'd still be there like the bitch that i am, but i was never going to put myself out there for her ever again and i was never going to turn to her for anything again. i didn't tell her those last two things, but i did say that if she did call me i'd deal with what ever i felt, if she didn't call me then i'd deal with my feelings that way too.
i burned my bridges with alia last week when i sent her an email saying that i'd washed my hands of her, and i did the same thing with carlie last night. i've put the both of them in my rear view mirror and i'm driving off. if they want me to notice them, they'll have to catch up to me because i'm not going to slow down for them.
i walked away after that from carlie and i didn't look back. i didn't even look back in the rear view mirror for her. i don't know what happened to her after i stood up and told her i needed to run. i don't know if i care all that much right now.
i'm not going to turn to the bottle, i know that much. that's good. but even running doesn't feel that accomplishing right now. i probably just need to get my legs back, but i don't feel particularly motivated while i'm running. i'm kinda worried about going back to work too. i kinda just want to sit on my balls and be angry at myself. but at the same time i don't want to be a bitch and let this beat me. i just have to go through the motions of life to make things okay.
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