2009-06-11 - 11:27 p.m.
my dream girl:
she'd be just a bit shorter than me, like 5'1" or 5'2". she wouldn't wear heels that made her taller than me when we go either.
she'd be petite too. wouldn't weigh more than 110-115 lbs.
i'd want her to be at the very least, as smart as me. that's kind of a subjective statement, but it's my diary so fuck you if you've got a problem with that.
if i had to sum it up in two words what i want my dream girl to be, it'd be "english major."
i want the type of chick that usually becomes an english major. someone who can organize their thoughts and vocalize them clearly and thoughtfully. someone who enjoys reading at least as much as i do.
i know, just because a girl is an english major doesn't necessarily mean she'll be what i want her to be, but it's kinda more along the lines of what i'd want. for as much as enjoy the company of other people, english majors just seem to make me that much happier. i think i was able to communicate with dhyani far more easily than i was alia on an intellectual level; when i don't feel awkward around chelsey the conversation seems to flow a little easier; there was that girl customer whom i made awkward by hitting on her when she had a bf that shopped at my store whose name was either michelle or melissa; i'm comfortable talking to gabe's woman who just graduated with her english degree; and i'm sure there're others too. it's not that i lack an ability to communicate with non-english majors, it's just i feel like i have more in common with those people.
...maybe except for the whole thing about liking rap music and sports books... nah, i'm sure some of them like that junk too.
maybe not the sports books.
yeesh, how hard is it to find a girl that i can really like?
asian -- preferably japanese; no taller than 5'3", 5'4" in heels; athletic build; petite sized; at least semi-fashionable; employed at least part-time somewhere if she's going to school, full-time if she's not going to school; oh god, there's so many things i want in a gf.... no wonder i'm single.
no, i'm single because i'm a pussy and i can't talk to girls. well that and i'm not what the girls i like want. there's a reason that it's usually only high school girls or mom's that like me. i'm more confident when i talk to those two because i don't feel a need to not embarass myself infront of them. i don't mind making an ass of myself to them, which is probably what i do best.
on the other hand, the girls i do like, i'm so tense infront of them i can't be myself. that's why i always clam up.
so gay...
not homosexual gay, but like, that other kind of gay where it's like, lame.
why am i even explaining myself to my reader of one/two/possibly none?
it's funny that i clam up in front of girls i like though because i have a lot of confidence in myself. i honestly don't think i'm ugly, i think i dress well (when i'm working at least), i think i have nice hair, i don't look slovenly, i think i have a nice smile, i don't know? i think i'm just an all around swell looking guy. i've been told repeatedly i need to smile more. i try i guess. it feels weird. un-natural.
i don't know how to start conversations either. even with people i know somewhat. there was a lot of silence between me and blane in the hotel room. how awkward is that? i can't make small talk with my boss, but i can have this conversation:
blane: "oh, that's right. you like petite women, right?"
me: "yeah... my last gf was a little bit on the bigger side. she wasn't fat, but she was bigger. she had body issues.... do you know how hard it is to get a girl with body image issues naked when you're skinner than her?"
i can have that conversation, but i don't know how to make small talk. some days i just want to give up and never have to talk to anyone at all anymore.
you know what really sucks about my situation right now?
i'm so stuck on finding a girl who's either a virgo or a cancer first of all.
the new girl at work is a cancer. she plays soccer. she's cute. she's asian. she fits the height and weight profile. she goes to an ivy league school (daymn!!!).
problems: she works with me (hell, i hired her). she's at that danger age for me. she goes to school on the mainland. i'm pretty sure someone told me she's in a relationship too.
she did work at starbucks last summer too. i'm not sure how to score that, plus or minus?
i already know i'm not going to cross the line with her because it's just not worth it to lose my job over a girl who wouldn't be interested in me anyway.
so close though.
she's a good new hire though. she picked up quickly and i think she's going to grasp the business fairly quickly. she's conversational with customers too which is something that you can't really teach. it's kinda innate. i was born with the ability to bullshit with people when i have a nametag on. i brought that up with her after my first transaction that i had her watch. "did you see what i did during that last transaction? how i just wouldn't shut up the whole time?" and then she saw me joke around with some kid who was asking about a game i'd never played.
she laughed a lot while we were working together. i do like it when people like me and think i'm funny. it wasn't an ass kissing laugh either, it was a genuine laugh. i did appreciate that. it made my day go by a little bit better.
i made some other kid's day too, he needed a new pen for his dsi and so i got him one with the screen protector, i offered to put it on for him too, you shoulda seen his face when he left. he was so happy that i'd put it on for him, it made me feel so good.
i wish i could make myself feel genuinely good like that.
god, remember how i said that i couldn't even get laid in my own dream? i can't even get some from my hands now either. i just don't feel the urge anymore. well, i do mentally, but physically, its just not there. i don't get it. i've tried watching porn but it's just... not happening. i've got some serious mental block going on.
part of me wants to blame it on carlie. she's kinda ruined my sex drive i think because it's her sex drive that made me mad at her. i don't know but subconciously maybe i've just lumped all sex into this pile of evil or something. it just doesn't make any fucking sense.
i need to go running, but i'm going to wait one more night. friday night i'll test out my knee and see how i feel.
�
�
