2009-06-20 - 12:44 a.m.
i wrote the last entry like, half an hour ago, but i was looking at some of my older entries afterwards(which i haven't done in years).
i found the entry after donna gave me her phone number and started off one of the most fulfilling friendships i've ever had.
it's strange how much i've grown from knowing donna, and all the things that have happened between us. the other day she text'd me telling me thank you for helping her through her divorce. it almost makes me want to cry that i'll never meet someone like her my age or at least someone like her that i can date. someone who can just make me feel like i am the shit that i think i am. she seriously makes me believe someone else thinks i'm as awesome as i do.
i read about me throwing away the picture of randi.
i read some entries about alia.
i read about the last time i talked to carlie.
i don't know where my life is going. things change what feels like they're so drastic in days time, but i wonder if when i look back on my life in the next few years if things will be so crazy then. i'm really dreading our 10 year reunion for high school. what am i going to be able to say? it's been seven years and i still don't have even an associates degree. i probably won't have one in seven years either. i have a steady job and i've got my own place. i've had two girlfriends in the seven years since i've left high school. i don't have anything from high school really. i try to avoid talking to people from high school because i just don't care what they're doing. there isn't really anyone from back then that i really miss. i mean, aside from oki, i don't talk to anyone on any type of month-to-month basis (even oki is only sporadically). carlie was the only one i did see regularly for a while, but talk about scorched earth. i just don't give a shit. the life i'm living now is one that lets me escape those things.
god, i hate facebook. i wish i'd never signed up for that stupid site. i don't care about anyone i know from that far back anymore because they're from my past. i've left my past behind me and i'm successful now. i don't need the past holding me back.
it's always my past that holds me back. i need to learn to shed the dead weight. if i didn't know i'd failed so many times in the past with girls, i'd probably have a lot more confidence to be stupid and try more often. nah. it has nothing to do with my past, it really has more to do with me just being a bitch and thinking i'm unattractive to the type of girls i like (you know, the pretty ones). whatever.
i'll just be a hermit.
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