2009-06-19 - 11:35 p.m.
i'm a dick.
after i was done running yesterday i went to starbucks to get ice for my knee. alia and lauren were working so i sat down and started to talk story with the both of them because well, i like talking to lauren and to show alia that i don't care if she's there or not.
aanyway, alia said she had some shit to tell me. she said one of her cousins attempted suicide and that her psuedo-step-dad's sister had a brain tumor (it's not a toomah!). she told me that like i was really supposed to feel bad for her. i kinda just played it like i was some kinda game of find the silver linning.
"well, your cousin admitted himself, right? that's always the first step in recovery, udnerstanding that they need help. and the brain tumor... are there such things as benign brain tumors? no? hey... you're the one that took zooology. i thought that was a class about animals. well, hey. he lost his dad so he understands grief. he'll be okay."
really... what else was i supposed to say? i don't even know what to say to my own family when this shit happens. yeesh....
anyway, after that she just laughed and said "i figured i'd talk to someone who'd tell me to just shut up and get over it. thanks ryan."
a little while later, lauren went on a break so alia turned to me and said "can we be friends?" with this cheery voice like she was trying to persuade me to buy her a dog or something. i kinda started laughing to myself because of the email i sent her a whlie back saying that i'd washed my hands of her and i didn't care about her anymore either way. "no. you got my email, you know how i feel. i just don't care anymore. if you're here, fine. if you dissapeared tomorrow, i wouldn't give a shit either."
it didn't strike me how harsh that sounded until today. heh, i guess that's the kind of shit you say to get your point across though, huh?
talk about burning bridges though, eh?
i love being me sometimes.
i think i scared off erika a bit. that's fine too. it's actually for the better i think. at least i know devin's got my back. she didn't go running with me on thursday so i won't even bring up running on saturday night. besides, i think lauren might go with me tomorrow night. and when i erika sees that i'm going running with lauren she should get the idea that i'll run with anyone. but devin said he brought it up with erika that i said i went running with her and she told him that she didn't want to do it too often so that it gets awkward between us. he told me to not bring it up too often. thanks devin.
god, devin's the one guy i wish i still had. if devin did become an actor, i would totally be his Eric Murphy. and i know he trusts me because he's told me so, so many times. i would work hard for devin because he's got my back too. i think i could also keep him straight too. there's a mutual respect. only problem is we both kinda like the same women and he's better at getting them. shit happens though and it's bros before ho's.
i really hope lauren comes running tomorrow night because i need that to show erika it's not just her. that and lauren's kinda sexy. she'd be a girl i wouldn't date, but i'd bang. i'm such a pig, yeah? meh, whatevers. i know myself and if i did love someone i wouldn't stray.
when i was having dinner with donna and her family, she was teasing me that if i found a girl i liked i wouldn't even look at other women. she's pretty accurate on that. she also said that one of my problems is that when there is someone i like, there's usually like one more two more that want my attention too. it's feast or famine with me, man.... fucking sucks.
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