2009-06-24 - 12:02 a.m.
i feel a lot better now that i've talked to devin about erika.
first off, he's not interested in her so i don't have to worry about him being angry or jealous or suspicious of me. plus he told me it wasn't a good idea either and when you hear it from someone who knows the people involved it carries a lot more weight than someone who doesn't.
i don't know. i think it was just not being able to talk about it was killing me. that and the knee thing too. that really pisses me off because it's not going to go away because i can't stop running. i'd seriously feel worthless if i didn't run.
plus i spent a lot of time at work in the past two days. i've worked about 28 hours in the past two days. hmm... after i wrote that it put into more perspective. wow, that's fucked up. looking at it made me realize that that's more than 50% of the past two days have been at work.
i'm getting back to the point where i validate myself by what i'm doing at work. i don't have any social life, and i don't really know if i care either. i just want to be at work. tomorrow's my day off (well, today actually), and i'm trying to find a reason to not go in for a little bit.
it's not because erika's going to be there, that'd be a reason to avoid the store actually. it's going to be a busy day (fight night round 4) and i want to be there to make sure the right messages are getting across to gabe and erika. i was able to speak with russell about what i want, and i had a quick chat with erika over the phone, but i didn't get a chance to specify to gabe what i was looking for.
but this is good too. it'll give russell a chance to show me what he's capable of doing in terms of motivation and getting a message across.
i miss work already. work is where i'm happy again. home is.... lonely? not really lonely because i don't mind being alone. home is where i'm not accountable to anyone. i have no validation at home other than to pay my bills on time.
daigle set up a big midnight thing for a bunch of his staff and kahala's for transformers tonight. he asked everyone if they wanted to go on the conference call and he asked me a couple of times too but i declined because... well, i just don't care that much and i don't want to hang out with anyone. i like being alone. but, as luck would have it, i saw him and most of the other guys at zippy's on my way out of hawaii kai. daigle kept teasing me that i'm anti-social (he also called me "mini-blane-jr." to chelsey over the phone).
man, why is it so bad to enjoy solitude? i really like quiet time (even though i have my itunes playing).
bah, i know i come off like an asshole who just doesn't want to spend time with anyone and part of it is true. i just don't want to spend time with people because then i'm going to say something stupid or if i don't want to be there, i'll just end up looking like a moody bitch. that's why i don't go to zippy's with everyone after we do stuff at the different stores. i'd rather just be by myself.
it's probably bad for me though. god. i can't help it that i just hate being around people. i mean, seriously, even as much as i enjoy being around erika, i don't like it either because it's just a constant struggle to not be an asshole because i think that's what i naturally am turning back into.
i've been thinking a lot about those last words i said to alia (not literally because i bought something from starbucks and she rang me up today), and after telling a few people the story, the common reaction has to do with some shock and the word "fuck."
what can i say? i'm an asshole. i kind of embrace the feeling of people thinking i'm mean and heartless. i don't want people to think they can walk over me and get away with it. i'll hurt you back, dammit. i told matsuoka the story and i his response made me happy: "holy fuck ryan. if i ever see a heart on sale, i'll buy you one because you're obviously missing yours." i know that wasn't meant as a true compliment but, y'know...? i took it as one. i don't want to ever be treated like that again. if someone does treat me like that then they'll get what i think they deserve.
i'm going to end up being an angry old man. crotchety. listening to rap music on my porch with people whispering for me to just die already but i'll keep hanging on just out of spite.
�
�
