2009-08-13 - 12:09 a.m.
I'm listening to Amy Winehouse right now... I just looked up a girl on facebook from my long-ago past that it was so long ago I don't even remember if I've brought her up with my staff. She's the girl that used to give me butterflies when I worked at Borders Express. If you've read here since like two christmas' ago, you might remember her. I helped her get a Nintendogs DS Lite bundle. She gave me butterflies up until I found out she had a bf. I remember how painful that was because it was unexpected and I was with Donna and her kids and I think they knew I wasn't happy, but they couldn't understand just how sick I felt when I found out she had a bf.
I didn't look her up to see if she was single though, I looked her up to find out about her cousin. I remember her cousin being kinda cute too. I couldn't find Butterflies Girl's cousin on facebook so I'll have to go the circuitous route. It doesn't even seem like the cousin has a facebook because I didn't find her listed as a friend either. What good is this social networking if I can't find a girl to try and hit on?
I actually feel guilty doing this because I still have a crush on Erika (it's not worth it, I know. She has a bf and she seems to be happy with him... happy enough at least). I hate that I still have a small crush on her because I hate having feelings for someone else when I know it's not worth it. But this is how it always works for me. Before I went out with Randi, I also had a crush on Julie. When I started dating Dhyani, I was at the end of my relationship with Randi. When I started dating Alia, I actually had a crush on Chelsey. Now it's Erika and everyone else.
I don't know that I'm going to get over Erika (or even Chelsey) for a while. Intellectually, Chelsey is what I want. She's an english major which is more or less the main criteria for what I want in a girl. Someone a little left of center, someone who can keep up with me intellectually as well as conversationally. Someone I can share an interest in something very important to me (books/reading/learning stuffs). And bonus points for her being into video games and air riflery. I don't know enough about her aside from the time we spend together working in each other's stores and the short time we've coached together, but I know from talking to Diana that there're some things that do bother me. I also know that she's a little too flirty for my taste.
Erika on the other hand, she makes me feel safe emotionally(?). I don't feel like I'd have jealousy issues with her because I don't know why. I just know it wouldn't be an issue with her. Maybe it's the devotion to her current bf that I see in her that I know I'd feel safe about. I know she likes me as a boss and a person. I know I like her as a person, but as an employee she has a lot of room to grow. What I like about Erika is that we're just comfortable around each other. It's not the same type of comfortable that I am around other people. She makes me feel like I don't need to keep up the walls that I keep everyone else behind. I remember the first time I looked into her eyes, I remember being scared... It was the first time in a long ass time that I was scared to look someone in the eyes. Don't confuse it with the uncomfortable gaze that you get when you lock eyes with someone in public that you don't really know, it was much more intenese and scary than that. It was like, the kind of feeling that you get when someone is looking into you and you feel like your soul is naked for someone else to see. That's how I felt when Erika looked at me that first time.
I don't even know where I'm trying to go with this... maybe I just needed to talk about Erika and Chelsey and looking up Butterflies Girl's cousin on facebook.
Maybe it's because I feel myself getting lonely again and I need to find some type of strength again since I haven't run since Saturday. God. I'm such a mess.
Erika left for school tonight. She came by the store one more time to return a game that wasn't working. I think I saw a copy at another store so I'll see if I can get my hands on that and mail it up to her with cookies. I wish I could let the cookies do the talking for me. "These cookies, they represent the best that I have to offer you. They, along with that Sims 3 guide book I bought you for your birthday, they represent everything that I can promise you. I promise to pay attention to the things that make you happy. I promise to do my best to keep you happy by doing the simple and unexpected, rather than the trite and overdone. I'll keep you on your toes, but I'll always be honest and good to you. That's what those cookies truly represent."
Somehow, I don't think the cookies actually say that.
She did like the birthday present a lot though. She noticed that I noticed things that helped me guess what to buy her. I think my present was better than what her bf did for her birthday. What he did was nice and romantic, but I think my was more thoughtful. A trip to a neighbor island to watch the sunrise is nice, but I did more with WAY less.
...at least that's how I feel...
Fuck. I wish I'd never talked to her like friends. "I don't feel like you're juding me. I feel comfortable talking to you." It almost felt like she was pleading to me that she likes talking to me and that she wanted to keep talking to me at least on some basis in the future.
That's the safety I was talking about! She feels safe talking to me like she doesn't need to hide her true self and I feel safe because that trust she places in me makes me feel like I can trust her back! That's what I fucking want in a relationship! I want trust! And I want it both ways!
This is why I write... I write to help sort out my thoughts. If I put it down in writing, spelling errors and all, then I get them un-muddled. Talking them out you get mixed up and incomplete thoughts because the other person always interjects something of their own. I'm guilty of that as much as anyone else. That's why solitary writing is so much better to clear your mind.
I need to go to sleep before I have any more revelations about why I'm falling in love with Erika otherwise I'll never be able to sleep.
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