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2009-09-02 - 9:21 a.m.

Its 2 am in vegas and I've been in my whole room all day because I felt sick this morning so I skipped the whole days classes. I'm such a fag.

I hate myself right now because I keep thinking about panda bowl. I don't know why I can't stop thinking about her. Its not healty either because she's got her bf and I like them together and all that shit I've already talked about already....

Its the same shit from me all the time. I like Girl-A (erika) until Girl-B (panda bowl) comes along until Girl-C (who knows?) comes along etc. All I can hope fopr is that Girl-C isn't carlie or alia.

Speaking of alia...

I asked her to come over last week and we talked. It was me coming to peace with her. I'm done being mad at her. I'm done not giving a shit about her too. I guess where I'm at with her is, I don't know. All I know is that I needed to close the book with her. While I was talking to her though I got weak. I kissed her and I basically begged her to have me for just one night. I was feeling really low and I just wanted to feel like a woman who knows she's with a guy who's cheating on his wife just because she wants to feel like someone cares about her for one night. That was all I wanted and I knew it. Weakness at its peak.

I... hated myself.

I wish erika were single. It'd save me a lot of problems if she were. I think I coulda gotten her to go out with me, but then again I think that about a lot of girls. And it would've opened up another set of issues too: she works for me, long distance, age (20-yrs old ring any bells?).

I wish this eharmony thing would just fuckin' work already so I could end the subscription and just meet someone.

I know I'm needy, but at the same time I know its because I'd always be there for the girl too. Its not like I'm selfish about it, but yeah, I get it... I want a lot out of a relationship. I also have really high standards just to start with so I'm at a disadvantage because the selection pool is already smaller than most guys' are.

I just need to get out of my shell I guess. Once I do that, things'll happen for me. Baby steps, ryan. You're smiling at pretty girls now when you see them. Maybe, just maybe you'll strike up a conversation with one of them... One of these years... Or maybe you'll just die lonely.

Who knows?

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