2009-09-12 - 12:26 a.m.
i love that new balance commercial where the narrartor is talking about when you start running the first mile hates you, but if you keep running then you can look forward to the second mile. it's kinda true. the first mile is as tough as the sixth, seventh, eighth mile, depending on how far you're running.
i gotta admit, i'm very proud of myself for running at least six miles at least four times a week most weeks. back in febuary, i wasn't even sure i'd be able to run seven and a half by year's end. now i know i can do it if i want to by pushing just a little bit harder (and not by much either).
what i'm not proud of on the other hand is how last night went. god, talk about gay....
so y'all know about my reputation for being the anti-social one amongst the other managers. this is why i hate being sociable: i invited two of the other managers to dinner, almost like a triple date. it was gay. it ended up being three distinct groups having dinner at one table. i don't ever want to do it again. it's just not fun. i didn't have fun, carlie didn't have fun, the other two guys were off in their own worlds with their date or gf. and i was trying to keep things pleasant as a group but it just didn't work out. and i guess what made it worse was it's not like i could flirt with carlie because she's off-limits as far as i'm concerned because she's carlie. idk... i hate my life sometimes.
and then, what's even gayer is that girl that i knew would respond to me on eharmony that i didn't really care for that i thought i was off the hook for when i said i couldn't stand it in a relationship when a chick wouldn't put out did respond. FUCK! i thought i was safe! nope....
now what do i do? do i keep up the ruse? do i just kinda... let it die? i'm honestly not attracted to her based on her pictures. i'm shallow and i don't care. i work 40-50 hours a week, i'm in school part-time (and doing poorly at only half my classes mind you), and i still find time to keep my ass in shape.
okay, fine. part of it is because i have good genetics, and another part of it is because i just don't eat regularly, but still!
i miss erika.
i've been thinking about her lately since panda bowl and her bf got into a fight, almost broke up, and then stayed together. the girl who's as close to a prototype for me just isn't going to be the one. i mean, i know i'm probably just making her up to be something i want her to be, and if i did end up in a relationship with her, it'd probably just be full of fighting like all of my relationships end up being. i can't help it. i'm needy sometimes, i'm pushy at others. i have a certain expectation of give and take and i don't settle for anything less than what i want because it's not worth it.
i do that... i build girls up to make myself happy and believe that this could be the one, and then i just let myself get hurt. i know i'm doing that with both of them, panda bowl and erika. and it's not worth it because they're both in long, committed relationships. i can't help it either that i think i'm good enough to make them both happier than they already are. i hate myself for doing that because it doesn't help me deal with things like being single when i know the one is out there.
it also doesn't help that people won't leave me alone about carlie either. look, i get it, we seem compatible but it's just NOT going to happen and i don't like hearing people try to give me hope about it because it just makes it more difficult to deal with the fact that i'm not good enough for her. i'm the 89% guy for her, but not the 100%-er. she said she'd date a guy who's like, 90-95%, so it feels like i'm just outside of that cut-off. it sucks.
it really really sucks.
i hate being not good enough when i know i can't be any better. i don't mind being not good enough if i know i can improve, but not when i'm doing my best and my best just isn't enough.
she's seen me at my best and my worst, and everything in between, and she loves me, but not enough.
oh well, so it goes you pansy....
i hate that i have to explain the story to everyone too. "so are you... dating this chick?"
*sigh* "...no... it's a long story...
"do you want to know the story?"
"yes! me and ____________ have been trying to figure it out for so long!"
*ugh* "okay, so basically, i'm the safe friend. i'm the friend that she knows she can go to if she feels down about herself because i'll always prop her up and make her feel good about herself because i can't turn her away. yeah... i'm that faggot."
"...oh..."
"don't get me wrong, she helps me out too. if i need advice about a girl or life or something, she's always there for me too, but it's a little different somehow."
*awkward silence*
"yeah, she never likes my girlfriends, and i never like her boyfriends, but... yeah... i don't get it either."
"...oh..."
"yeah..."
okay, so i sometimes omit that last paragraph, but you can kinda tell the tone of the conversation most of the time.
i'm not jealous of other people who are in relationships, but i guess it's kinda envious? it's like how i feel about guys with better, more muscular physiques i guess. i hate that they look better than me and that i'm pretty sure more girls would rather be with those guys, but at the same time i'm not willing to do something that isn't me to get what i want. i hate those guys who have gf's (not really hate, just... hate), but i'm not willing to do something that isn't me to get a gf just to do it. i don't care if that doesn't make sense because it makes sense in my tired brain.
i'm going to bed so i can watch college football tomorrow.
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