2010-03-27 - 1:29 a.m.
god dammit... i'm so close to drinking alone again. i have a fucking huge bottle of jack daniel's and some flat coke in my fridge. i don't even give a shit that it's flat. i just want to drink. it's so tempting.
i'm not even sure why or what's eating me up inside. maybe it's just today? i did just finish a 19-hour work day....
i honestly don't think that alone was what set me off though. i've done those types of days before and i didn't feel quite like this.
i'm pretty close to breaking down. i sorta did a couple of times today already. once when i was talking to ed on the phone, i just went off about how i feel unappreciated within this stupid fucking company. and then bre called me and i just lost it when i was talking to her. she had to yell at me a few times. it worked, she calmed me down, got my head a little straighter. put me in a better place mentally, but at the same time, i'm still a fucking wreck upstairs.
i don't remember if i said this last time, but the RD is in town again, we found out he came in on my day off. he visited a few stores, but no one knew he was on his way here to begin with. and, like always, fucking hawaii kai is just left to fucking wonder whether or not he gives a shit about us.... i think that's a big part of what's making me all fucking emotional. i just don't feel like the company cares about my advancement. how am i supposed to get paid if i'm not even on anyone's fucking radar? how am i supposed to improve when it's not even a priority to look at the people who have potential?
the company gives all kinds of fucking lip service about retention and advancement, but really, only to a certain level. they're happy they have me in place at a comfortable rate for them where i'm good enough to hold down the fucking fort. i'm keeping the store in the black and i'm not causing any types of issues otherwise. it's easy to forget about me because i'm not hemorrhaging money, but i'm not blowing the fucking doors out either. good enough.... good enough to fucking forget.
at least john would make it a point to come out to my store and rip me to fucking shreds. it felt like at least he cared enough to show me how to do my job better. i could fucking appreciate that. what i don't appreciate is this fucking cheerleader "teamwork makes the fucking dream work" attitude in front of the rank and file, but once we're broken up, it's only about the extremes. fucking seriously....
i'm so close to looking for another job. i love what i do, i love the staff i've built, the community that comes to my store, my coworkers in store and my peers outside, but the rest of this bullshit is irritating.
and it's not like anyone can really understand because everyone else gets the attention. people can empathize, but only to a certain extent. i don't think anyone truly understands the depths of my distaste for my RD and the fucking attitude i carry for him.
the next question is, how do i deal with it? i've already gotten in trouble once for expressing my displeasure in the form of a "we don't get the respect we deserve" stance. if i were to send an email out right now, i'd take that stance again and not give a fuck, because it's how it really feels. i don't give a shit if he's on a fucking vacation. i don't give a fuck that my store isn't a priority to anyone except the mother fuckers who work there. i don't give a fuck about anyone else in any other capacity of this fucking company because they're not dealing with being ignored.
fucking jack and coke sounds so delicious right now. just numb the fucking brain.
i think another part of it is i'm trying to deal with panda bowl too. she hurt herself last night and i had to pick her up and take her to the ER, again. she's on crutches right now. i swear to god, its times like this that i feel like i fall for her more than ever. when i get to be strong mentally and emotionally for her.
it's a totally different side than the fucking emo wreck that i usually am.
i don't even care about kellsie to be honest. i don't really want to ask her out for coffee, even if she says yes, i don't know that i'd be completely thrilled like when panda bowl first asked me if she could come running with me.
this is all because i saw that fucking picture of randi.
something about her set me off... it made me miss everything i've ever had.
i really want a drink right now. i don't want to go down this road again... drinking by myself... and not giving a fuck about it either because who gives a shit anyway? i was doing so well not turning to the bottle for so long. it's been over a year since i quit drinking like that. i think it was like october of 08 or some shit like that when i quit doing that. just getting fucking plastered whenever i felt like it. i can't talk to her about it because she's part of it but i don't know how she is... i also can't make it a focus about the job either because she's just going to get angry at me and that's not going to make it any better either. i don't know what's pissing me off.
i know i am pissed off... i know some of the things that are making me more pissed off... but i don't know what's really pissing me off to begin with. i have things to bitch about, but i don't know what's really the source.
maybe i'm just tired.
maybe i'm just lonely.
maybe i'm just confused.
i don't fucking know.
i shouldn't make that drink though.
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