2011-08-03 - 10:41 p.m.
i'm having a mini breakdown. me and chelsea broke up because she admitted to me that she had a crush on another dude (who also happened to be one of her best friends). so i told her to figure out what she wanted to do and then it turned into she thinks that i ran away too quickly and idk....
i got a scolding from one of her friends about it and it made me realize that i do have a problem with running away when things get bad in relationships when it feels like they're going long term. i did it with randi ("he kinda jumped the gun" i think she said). i did that with dhyani too. i guess i'm that guy with commitment issues.
but anyway, so things have been off and on in the two weeks. she's hooked up with the guy once and admitted it to me. then me and chelsea spent sometime together and it was a lot of crying from her and me a little twice that night too. at one point i actually entertained the thought of jumping off my balcony but realized it was a dumb idea before the thought ended. then last night it felt like we had a really good night. she asked if i wanted to go with her to pick up a movie so we went and we came back to my place to watch it. she fell asleep in my arms and after the movie we kissed and hugged and fooled around a bit. i kinda figured things were on their way back to being good because she actually hugged me and stuff.
but idk, today i've got this feeling that she's with him again and it's driving me wild. i hate that i jump to conclussions so quickly. i also hate just not knowing where things stand. if she were to just be with him then i could figure out how to deal with this. if she were with me then i'd know what's going on too. this is why i don't like talking to ex's. i'm still a hyper-jealous asshole, even if we're done.
i mean, i was even thinking to myself before we broke up, when things were still good between us, that i was actually happy with her.
i guess i always find a way to fuck myself up.
i really wish i knew how to control what i don't give a fuck about. i generally don't give a fuck about stuff, but then there's things that just stick and i can't change my own god damn mind to save itself.
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