2011-08-10 - 2:14 a.m.
i don't know if she's still banging the other guy and that bothers me. i also think i know who the guy is and that bothers me even more. before he was just a concept of something and that was enough to keep some of my sanity but now... it feels like i need to go slit his throat (not really because murder is bad).
part of me wishes i could be more of a thug and go up to him and tell him to back the fuck up otherwise shit's gonna get real. but then i think to myself: first of all, he's bigger than me; second he does brazillian jiu jitsu so i wouldn't have much of a shot.
the only contention to that is yeah he can get me but can he take a hit?
probably better than i can because he'd probably have broken my arm before anything happens.
but you know what, i don't think i'd show him how scared i am to fight because i just don't ever show fear when someone is going to kill me. like when dan had me by the throat i wasn't scared. or when the huge dude also had me by the throat i was scared either. i was angry more than anything else both times. "how the fuck dare you threaten me."
i don't know how to deal with this. i feel like i'm doing the best i can because i don't know what else to do. it's like i tell people who are having a bad time in life: just go through the motions because you'll at least get stuff done otherwise.
***
i wrote here these texts tonight when she either fell asleep was avoiding me:
idk if you fell asleep or turned off your phone or if you're just avoiding me but if it's Aramis who the other guy is I can tell you he's not going to keep you happy the way i do.
At some point you're going to stop and wonder where he is, who he's with, what he's doing and so on.
He drinks a lot, you said he smokes pot too i think. The guy isn't going to be settled down for very long. And he's just going to make you wonder.
He might be fun but he's not... idk. He's not me and you'll realize that I was as good as it got.
I know you don't want to hurt either of us, but I really doin't think he'll be hurt for long. I also don't think you really want to leave me because you know you still love me you're just afraid of being hurt again by me. I can't change that and I know it's my fault but part of loving someone is putting yourself out there to be hurt. Even again sometimes.
There's no right answer to when enough is enough when it comes to putting your heart back out there, but there is a wrong answer and it's "I don't want to even try."
I don't like trying to convince you I'm the best choice for you because I know I am. I know you know that too deep in your heart.
But if Aramis thinks he can say stuff like he can make you happier than I can he's just putting more stuff into your head to confuse you more because it's what his type of guy does.
I've tried to play clean and make the decision for you easy because i don't like clouding your mind with needless thoughts or worries. I've always been honest and upfront with you about everything because I wanted to show you how much I love you and that I've given up everything I hold special to you.
I don't do that for very many people. Oki, Nick, Dan, and Donna. Even Ed and Gabe don't see my whole gamut of emotions.
I doubt I've made things easier for you right now but these things will make themsleves clear every time you read about how he needs to go to sleep because he's fucked up or how he needs a red bull because he was partying till 4 am.
You'll have an ah-ha moment, and you'll realize I was right. I am the best thing that ever happened to you and that you were happiest with me because I never gave you any reason to question my love for you.
***
I don't know if that comes off as desperate or arrogant or what, but i think it was stuff that needed to be said. i don't like her being sad and i don't like being unsure of anything.
i wonder if i'm fighting him too fair or (and i really don't want to use this word) "honorably" either. i want to ask people to talk to her on my behalf and tell her she belongs with me but it seems like a bad idea because this is my problem that i made.
then again, other people seem to think that none of this is my fault either. if she really wanted to be with me then she wouldn't have even had a crush to begin with. they have a point too but i don't know. maybe i'm too ready to just make chelsea work because i'm afraid to be alone all of a sudden. fucking sucks.
how do i think it's going to end up? three ways (total cop out btw):
1) she ends up with me again.
2) she ends up with him for a short time and then it's over and no one except him is happy within a month.
3) she avoids us both and he moves on to the next girl (again within a month) and i'm single for a year+ again.
i should've joined the army out of high school. fucking 9/11 scared the shit out of me and made things real. then i got old and scared of life. now i just want to die in an exciting manner.
�
�
