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2012-01-08 - 9:11 p.m.

i think part of me wants to die. not like i want to jump off my balcony or put a gun to my head, or even something lame like suicide by cop.

okay, so suicide isn't even close to what i really want but i'm just fucking sick of everything in my life.

btw, i hate writing in the first person, but to write in a diary in anything but the first person just seems stupid.

a couple of days ago i broke up with chelsea. we were together for most of almost two years and even though there were more rough times than i think i've ever dealt with it was a good relationship. i think the biggest reason why we were together was because neither of us wanted to be alone. i think we both knew that it wasn't one that was going to be forever (which has a new definition after reading The Postmortal by Drew Magary -- i don't know why i plugged a book in my own diary, but yeah, i did that). i realized that we shouldn't be together anymore though because we just weren't going to go anywhere in our relationship. i wanted her to spend the night sometimes, i even brought up the idea of her moving in at some point, but she just wouldn't do any of it. she was more afraid of her mom getting mad at her/me than advancing our relationship.

it wasn't her fault i guess. i just figure i needed to move on. i can feel the clock to grow up ticking down in me and it's god damn scary. when i told my parents that me and chelsea split up they asked me if i was ever going to settle down or if i was going to be a bachelor for the rest of my life. they're worried that i won't have a wife to take care of me. it's a legitimate concern. i'm barely able to take care of myself. i don't eat regularly, i have a hard time remembering to pay my bills, i'm a fucking wreck at work every so many months. i'm a shitty person and i'll get shittier before i get better.

i think this is why i want to join the army and go to afghanistan. part of me wants to die there and not have to come back to reality ever again. i also want a motorcycle because they're so god damn dangerous. i'm pretty sure i wouldn't kill myself on a bike because i'd be too afraid to do something stupid, but the danger of driving is the other people on the road.

i fucking hate my job right now too. i was having a fairly decent year rankings wise meaning i'd stand to bonus better than i normally do, but then the holiday season came and fucking railroaded me. and by railroad i mean it shoved a whole fucking train up my ass. 20% of my bonus just got fucked because they took away the one category i was golden in. i went from a top 1/3 performer to a bottom 10% store. i had to outright ask if i was going to lose my job once the holiday season was done because i was that scared we were doing that bad.

i've started running hard again. i'm back up to six miles and i think i'm doing it partially because i want to be in shape, partially to get away from work and people for that hour i'm on the road, but also because it hurts and i think i'm addicted to the pain. there's nothing quite like fucking yourself up.

my parents said it would make sense for me to start looking for a new job, but i don't know what i can do. i don't want to do retail anymore but it's all i know. i honestly don't have any other skills. i also don't know if i'd be able to make enough money in a new job to keep up my lifestyle.

life is bullshit man. i wish i knew how to give up and just leave everything and run away. i honestly understand why some people want to be homeless. if i could take my paycheck and not have to sink half of it into this appartment i'd have so much more money to just dick around with. i could probably even get by on a smaller check too. but i think this is what growing up is supposed to be: learning to deal with shit. life is all about being miserable and adults just learn how to deal with being miserable better than kids do. kids can act out and shit like that, adults have to be able to compartmentalize the bullshit from the not as bad better than kids do. i think that's also where cancer comes from.

i really miss smoking, man. if it didn't fuck with your lungs so baddly i'd love to just light up a fucking pack of stoges. there's something about having that time to yourself, and i think the suicidal side of it is appealing too.

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