2012-12-28 - 9:44 p.m.
If you read my facebook, you've already seen me briefly elaborate on this, if not shame on you for not sending me a friend request.
At the start of the year, Blane had us write three goals work related and three goals non-work related that we wanted to accomplish by the years end. I don't remember what the work related ones were, but I do remember what the non-work related were:
1) Not get fired
2) Become a starred commentor on Deadspin
3) Run 30 miles in a week
Here's how I'll end the year:
1) FIRED
2) They changed the commenting system and got rid of stars before I even posted my first comment
3) I'm not going to reach 30 miles this week which is the last chance I have
So, I'll finish the year failing all three of my goals.
Oh welp.
I guess I did accomplish some cool stuff this year, I checked off some things from my bucket list that I make up as I check them off, but it's kinda jarring to realize that when someone asked me to set goals I totally failed at EVERYTHING I WANTED TO DO THIS YEAR.
As long as I wake up and run tomorrow morning though, I'll make 20 miles which I think is a decent start to trying to get 30 miles in a week next year.
Uh, according to livestrong.com I'm also doing everything wrong trying to reach 30 miles a week. I'm going from 8 miles to 20 miles in one week which is a terrible idea probably too. Especially considering I don't really take rest days either.
My fucking knees hurt right now. Also, I've kinda got shin splints.
You know what's the most dissapointing part of my running though? It's that it's more of a jog speed I think. I feel like I'm running my ass off but I'm only going like 9 minute miles at like 7 mph. That's like an average jog speed for a high school cross country runner. Like, seriously; when you think you're making progress only to realize that your progress is only making you average at best. Jesus, I wish I had longer fucking legs.
I'm becoming very aware of my physical limitations in more than just running. I'm on one of those dating sites because seriously, what the fuck else do I have to lose? But anyway, you can see what the girls are looking for in a match and I swear to god, even the shortest girls want a dude who's like 5'7" minimum. I mean, for fucks sake. That's not even something I can even bullshit like a college degree. Speaking of college degrees, some girls won't even reply once I tell them I don't have a degree because I guess I'm too fucking retarded at that point. Everyone who I've told that to tells me that I wouldn't want to end up with them anyway, but it still feels shitty, y'know? I don't feel like I'm fucking retarded or anything. In fact I honestly feel like I'm just as intelligent as some people who do have their degrees. Idk, I'm probably just making too much of it because I just feel like there's so much stacked against me anyway.
And because they're stacked so high I can't reach it. Because I'm short. and I don't know how to use a ladder. Because I don't have my degree in ladder placement.
Eh.
I intend to stop giving a shit at some point, but in the mean time it still makes me angry. I need to learn to not care more maybe. You'd think for someone who doesn't give a shit about a lot of things, I could learn to brush things like this aside, but idk, the height thing and the college thing just really stick in my fucking craw.
I recently started talking to Carlie again. I appologized for being a dickbag all these years, and so we went to have dinner and caught up. We're friends again, which is nice because I don't have Chelsea anymore and I need a good lady friend in my life to complain about shit too. I guess I have Shana here and there but for the most part, she needs me more than I need her. But seriously, I don't talk to Chelsea at all anymore. What can you do? Gotta move on with life. I wish I could find the article I read on Jezebel (STOP JUDGING ME) that convinced me that I needed to appologize to Carlie.
I hope I don't let myself turn into Carlie's bitch too. I feel like I let myself get walked over by girls. Nicole called me up at like 1230 one night to pick her up from the bar and drop her off at her car. She didn't even so much as thank me the next day. And I was already Carlie's dd one night. She invited me to come along but it was a girls night out and I didn't want to impose myself on it. Plus it was karaoke. With girls I don't know. That aren't attractive either. Shallow? Yes. Honest? That too. Plus I don't want to have to deal with the awkwardness of "Is that your bf Carlie? No? Is he your gay-guy-friend where you're like his beard or something? Not even that? Wow, he's kinda just a bitch then?" I really need to start writing more to get these negative feelings out of me productively.
That's probably also part of the reason why I'm running so much. I just don't feel like I'm doing much with my life. Honestly? I run because I'm bored now. That's part why I started running twice a day. It's such a terrible reason to do anything, but I guess if it keeps me productive?
I have terrible addictions. I need hobbies.
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