2013-01-10 - 9:54 p.m.
I'm really a fuck up. I can't even run a god damn job that isn't even my own job right. And it's just some god damn address-o-lites too. I only did that to see if I could figure out how to do a fucking hyperlink. I can never seem to get it to work. Don't nobody click on that link because seriously, it's just a fucking light fixture that you use to make an illuminated address light. You know, in case the fucking name didn't give it away, like snowshoes or something else equally obvious.
But yeah. First I wrote a ticket for only 24 to be delivered, but then 48 got delivered because the warehouse made a mistake, but it doesn't matter because it's my job so if we can't recover the billing on those extra 24 my job loses out. Then because Lloyd told me to do the freight a certain way I have both Barb and Joyce down my neck about not marking off the GP adjustment. And then, when I wrote a ticket to send out the rest of the order as it came in, I fucked up and sent an extra 10 which we need to get back because I'm a dumb fuck. All of this happened in three days. All I want is another three day work week. Is that really too much to ask for? Because I originally was going to ask for a two day work week but I felt like that was pushing it and jesus, I was trying to give back something at the bargining table but fuck you (I don't know who the fuck "you" are but fuck "you" anyway) you gotta make this a god damn five day work week. GAY.
And then, yesterday was Carlie's birthday. She was busy but we still found time to get together for a little while which was nice. But when I'm with her I get this feeling like it's not enough.
Lets go into a little history because I'm dumb and enjoy reliving what I feel like are embarassing memories. Well, they're not embarassing, and deffinitely not painful, just, idk, annoying isn't even the right word. Idk, they're memories. Anyway, I digress. Carlie was another one of those girls that I always liked but got friend-zoned. It wasn't for lack of trying or making it known specifically either I guess. I know I was an asshole now to her which is why we're fast friends again, but this time we spend hanging out is making me remember why I wanted to be with her as more than her friend. And it gives me that same tingly feeling in my fingers that I get when I think about Erika or any of the other girls that I've thought I was gonna get married to or whatever thought I romanticized over the years. I'm such a fucking sap. Jesus it's easy to hate me if you know what the fuck I'm thinking.
But yeah, I'm reluctant to bring up those emotions again with her (Carlie) because I don't want to ruin the friendship that we have again. I also don't want to get rejected (again). I really need her as a friend, especially since I don't have Chelsea anymore. You need to have that one friend of the opposite sex that can sooth all your gay feelings. Guys can't be that because then you're just being kinda homo. Fuck, I sound like an asshole using all these biggoted words and I kinda hate myself for using them like I do but I lack the vocabulary or moral compunction to actually change (because I'm just a dick).
Anyway, before I break my own neck falling of that soapbox, yeah, Carlie. She's like, idk. I guess I could say I'm crushing really hard on her right now. Idk, if it's because I'm lonely and she makes it easy for me to want to be with her because things just click between us or if it's like a real thing where it's because things just click between us. That sounds like the same argument, but there's I a distinction in my brain that I lack the vocabular or the effort to explain (because I'm just a dick).
But seriously, I kinda hope she doesn't find out or figure it out because then I could lose the only female friend I have right now. I mean, I have other girls I can talk to every once in a while, Bre and Shana come to mind, but they're not exactly best suited to my specific psychological needs. Bre's close, but the signals just a little off. Plus she has a baby and a jealous bf-type. Shana's got her own problems too. It's more often that I'm there for her than she could be there for me. I feel like I've touched on all of these issues many a time in here, but y'know I just need to talk these things out to make them go away from my brain so I can fucking sleep (or stop thinking so much while I read A Storm of Swords).
But yeah, today I was really looking forward to seeing her tonight. I even had a plan to see her. Yesterday was her birthday and I (uncomfortably) chose and bought a dress for her from a store that I know she likes in a style that I hope she likes in a color that I totally now think wasn't a good choice. But whatever. The point of it was that I tried really really hard (and spent like twice what I wanted to). Anyway, I didn't get a chance to make her open the present early or talk to her on her birthday night to see if she had opened it. I wanted to see her tonight because (A) I wanted to see her because I felt like a fuck up all day long, (B) I wanted to know if she liked the dress, and (C) I wanted to use the stupid Jamba Juice coupons I printed before they expire. So I came home, went on my 5-mile jog #humblebrag and texted her hoping she'd be down for some coldbuster action or whatever. She didn't respond to my text for like two hours, so I called and she didn't answer so I figured she's got something and then I got sad. Not like sad-sad, but like dissapointed-sad. Either way it's still gay-sad, amirite? But yeah, I couldn't even get a chance to see her, find out how much she hated my present, or use the stupid coupon. Plus she's gonna be busy tomorrow night so that's out of the question too. I fucking hate it when I get excited for shit. I know it's just my brain playing tricks on me, but it feels like whenever I get excited for shit, dissapointment follows. I can tell myself that it's just me remembering the shitty things over the things that legitimately played out, but it doesn't change how you feel regardless.
She texted me later tonight anway explaining that she was with a friend who was having boy trouble, so at least I got some explanation but it doesn't change the fact that tonight just had that lonesome feel to it. Tonight was the kind of night that even I wanted to be around someone, where it didn't feel all right to just stay in bed and read or watch tv. God, fuck these nights man.
And not only that but my god damn feet hurt. I really should take a day off but I really don't know how to stop running if I know I'm able to. It's turned into a semi-addiction. I can feel myself feeling more and more tired as the week goes on, and I know that if I'd just take an extra day off in the week I'd feel that much better for it like I usually do on Monday after I've taken Sunday off, but fuck that if I'm gonna come home and sit on my ass. I even skipped watching the Cotton Bowl and the National Championship game to go jogging. What's the point too? because I want to be even skinnier? Jesus, even that's becoming a terrible problem. I swear to god I'm probably borederline malnourishing myself too. Fuck, those calories in that Jamba Juice would've been delicious. Plus I like fruits and shit. I think I need to sleep soon. I'm getting even more tangential than I was when I started.
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