2013-03-04 - 1:36 a.m.
So I took practically everyone's advice and I talked to Carlie about how I feel about her. It turned out pretty much exactly how I thought it would: "No." "I think you only like me because I'm here." "You're my friend and that's how I'll always think of you." You get the idea. I know I've touched on this before, but the word "catharsis" is my absolute least favorite word ever right now. I don't believe in catharsis. I think it's a crock of shit. No one ever feels cathartic because the only reason why you get something off your chest is because it's embarassing and it's eating you up for a reason, but when you let it out, then everyone (or at least someone) knows what was killing you and then your short coming is out there in the wild for people to know. It goes from being privately embarassing to being publicly embarassing. There isn't anything purifying about that at all.
Also, what kind of fucking nerd has a "least favorite" word?
Jesus, so yeah. Me and Carlie talked it out. I started getting kinda panicky when she started setting up an online dating profile and I decided I had to say something soon before she met someone else and then I'd never get the opportunity. Plus, I didn't want to be the friend that has a secret crush on a girl who has to listen to all the shitty things guys do to her. Everyone hates that guy. That guy is the worst.
So yeah, I spilled my guts so to speak. I told her "Well, maybe it's a good thing you can't find a guy. Maybe we should try dating." That was followed by a quick and definte "No."
I knew she was going to say no, but I'm not sure it made it any easier to hear (to know?). It still kinda wrenches my guts to hear it in my head over and over again but it's what I do because I'm stupid.
She tells me to stop dating the same kind of girls, but when I try to let her know she's the kind of girl I should like, and I'm the kind of guy she should like, it doesn't matter because she's already dated a best friend and she didn't like how it ended. I asked her if she really thinks I'm anything like Craig and she says no, I'm nothing like him but it still doesn't matter. I don't want to feel like I'm convincing her that she should like me because I don't think it should ever be that way. As gay as it sounds, it doesn't feel like it's romantic to have to lay out the pros and cons to dating someone to them.
She tells me the thought's crossed her mind, but that she doesn't want to entertain it because I've become her "safe friend." The friend she can turn to over anyone else. Days later Ed will tell me "She has a strange deffinition of 'safe.'" If it weren't me that'd be fucking hilarious. Oh, who am I kidding, it was hilarious but I just don't have the sense of humor to laugh at myself just yet. Too soon?
Too soon.
Gayball.
Shit, and it was only Monday. Fuck it felt like such a long week. Sunday was shitty because I had to play darts till like 130 in a tournament and I lost on the bubble. I could've made $20 for my trouble but I couldn't hit a god damn double-twelve to win.
Plus Bevin had to reschedule my hair cut from Thursday to Saturday. And then she moved it again from Saturday to Monday. I hope it doesn't get moved again because man, a haircut is what I could use right now.
I got my first commercial job to run too. The good thing is that it was messed up before it got to me so hopefully I can only make it better. We'll see how it goes. I'm concerned but I'm excited too.
Miles is probably on his way out. Anywhere from a month to two years is what he said. I hope it's two years so I have time to learn (and so I don't have to take Paul's right away). They think I'm catching on well, which makes me feel good but I know I've got so much to learn. It takes two-three years to do this job without much oversight; I have nine months so far, plus I know we've been babied.
I don't know what to do with myself anymore.
I don't have hobbies because I'm poor. I don't have friends to do stuff with because I'm poor and I need to sleep early. All I do is workout and it's not even a particularly good and structured working out. I kinda do it just so I have something to do.
Plus I managed to alienate the closest thing I had to a friend that I could hang out with.
She said we'd still be friends but I can tell things are kinda weird for her. Maybe it's different this time for her with me liking her. Maybe because we're older and these things mean something different. Maybe she's thinking about it differently too now. I don't know why I'm thinking hopefully because it's all that hopeful thinking that got me here in the first place. I mean, as negative as I was about it (and rightfully so), I still said something because there was hope in there too. It wasn't only because I didn't want to hate myself for not saying anything at all, but it was also because I believed that it was a good idea for the both of us and that she'd see it that way too.
"A good idea." I hate how that sounds. It sounds like it's a logical decision more than a romantic decision or something. I'm sure there's a better word but I don't know it because I'm dumb.
Regardless I think it does make sense (as in it is "a good idea"). She tells me I need to start dating women my age and they need to be the type who won't take my bullshit. That's her. I tell her she needs to stop dating dickbags who she's unwilling to stand up to until it's too late. That's me. We're going to fight, I'm sure of it, but it's going to be good fighting. It's going to be the kind of fighting that keeps us improving for each other so that we won't lose each other. It'll be the kind of fighting that makes us better for ourselves too.
Maybe for between us, I'm finally the more mature and braver of us. I wasn't afraid to loose everything that I'd just gotten back (a best friend) and I was mature enough to recognize that what makes us so different is what should make us so perfect together. Maybe she's the one who needs to grow up and realize all of that shit too.
Or maybe this is just me justifying it all. I wanted to say "cognitive dissonance" but I'm not sure this is what it is.
Also, I'm pretty sure if I were truly mature I wouldn't have used the word "shit" either. But fuck you, I've already established that I have a potty mouth and that I'm pretty sure I'm not actually mature.
I should be asleep already. It's like 215 AM. Work is going to suck donkey balls I'm going to be so tired.
Jesus, I just want her to call me and say let's go for a drive and we'll talk about it again, and she'll say "Maybe you were right, Ryan. Maybe I do need someone like you; someone I'm not afraid to stand up to for myself. Someone who I won't feel so afraid of." Fuck, that would be awesome if she called me tomorrow and we had that conversation.
Hey, a girl can dream right?
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