2013-04-16 - 11:14 p.m.
because I lack originality, I'll just do this as an open letter, which is intellectually dishonest because she'll never read it so it's nothing more than an open rant which is definitely more honest about what this is. i don't even know if it's going to be a rant as much as it is me bitching in the first person. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GETTING AT.
Dear Carlie,
I'll start by re-writing the long text I just sent you to get me into the frame of mind for what I want to express:
"Look, I'm glad you had a great first date and you're going on a second one and blah blah blah. But I get it now, you didn't really mean what you said when I told you we should try dating. You said it wouldn't change anything and that you'd still be friends with me but that wasn't true at all. Since then you haven't bothered to do anything. You haven't called or texted or fb'd me without me making the effort first. I get it though. I was important to you when I was safe and you could use me as your emotional crutch. But once I wasn't so easy to use anymore, when I started wanting something back, I was useless. You didn't want me around anymore because I just made things messy for you and that's not what you wanted from me. I became disposable again. Jesus, it's not like I had any stake in our friendship. It fucking hurts the way you've treated me. I don't care if I sound like a little bitch right now. You've treated me like I'm not that important and I think you should know that because I hope you never treat another friend this disposably ever again."
I think it sums up how I feel but please know that I left out some of the finer details of how you've been a shitty-non-friend in the past month since you decided I wasn't worth your time anymore.
I don't know how to be coherent right now. I just don't. I want to yell and throw shit around and jump off my fucking balcony and curse you out in so many ways about so many things that it's difficult to put just how and why and what I feel about you, to you, right now. There's so much, I don't know if it's hatred? vitriol might be the word but it feels too refined to use right now. No, vitriol wasn't the word. I'll leave it as this: there are a lot of feelings right now.
I feel like I'm 15 again and i think that's compounding the anger and saddness and resentment and fuck so many other things. FUCK. ARGH. it's times like this I wish I knew a foreign language because sometimes other languages have words that better describe things than your native language does. plus, i imagine when you're mad cursing in a language with a lot of hard sounds is more satisfying. Maybe that's why people like using "fuck" so much. it's a powerful sounding word from the start of the word you can ramp up just how pissed you are by lengthening the "f" sound, drawing it out over so many seconds "fffffffffffffff..." and then build into it more letting the rest of the world/your brain know where that sound is going when you get into the next part of the word "...uuuuuuuuuuuuuUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU..." and it then it ends all so powerful sounding with "CK!!!!!" it's the best curse word because it perfectly reveals just how angry you are and it progresses with your level of anger too. if you're mad from the get go the word can be just like your anger too. It can be short and clipped: "FUCK!" a single syllable of anger basically.
i digress.
http://deadspin.com/all-hail-the-fucking-curse-word-bracket-winner-472035474
before I forget to show my work that "fuck" is the perfect angry word.
but yeah. Carlie you're a bitch.
you're a user.
you're the worst kind of friend.
I remember when we went shopping for your dress i asked you why you didn't bother reaching out to me first in the three years we didn't talk. you didn't have a good answer. you kinda gave half-answers here and there but you didn't have one concrete answer other than something along the lines of "it wasn't my fault we weren't talking." the one thing you did say softly was that you knew you could've approached me first too. I should've let myself hear that better. or maybe i did hear it but I just didn't want to let it get to me because things were going so well at that time. i didn't think you liked me i guess, but i felt like things were going that way. i felt like annie from community when she was at the inspector space-time convetion and she was pretending to be jeff's wife in the hotel. you let me pretend to be your boyfriend while we shopped for the dress you were exchanging. for the idk, 30, 45 minutes we were in there you let me get away with something that i've wanted in some capacity since high school. but then again, you were getting something out of it; a really nice dress that eventually you got to pick.
what else did i do for you? i went to the MEDAH thing with you (and i drove not just you, but also masayo). when we were sitting and you were taking pictures with masayo and then the guy with the drum asked if we were a couple, i didn't answer because I was hoping you'd say we were. I pretended to be quiet because of the absurdity of the question, but really it was to see how you'd react. i probably shouldn't have expected the answer to be anything other than what i thought it would be, but a girl can hope, right? maybe that was my problem, i kept hoping things would turn out my way.
jesus christ, people say hope is such a great thing. idk, maybe i'm just jaded right now, but hope really does feel like shit when you're let down. maybe that's my problem, i hope too god damn much. i try to keep things in perspective, but there's always that part of me that's just so fucking positive that it kills me when things don't turn out. i mean, i guess it makes things all right when good things happen, but shiet, when shitty things happen you just feel like you've done nothing but betray even yourself because you let yourself get to this point. "how could i let myself get this fucking far with this bullshit? you knew better but you let yourself hope like a dumbass." maybe that's why people kill themselves. it's not because they've lost hope, it's because they feel like hope is what brought them to that low point they're at.
i just feel like i should make it clear i'm not suicidal. in fact i'm glad i don't drink anymore because it means i won't be suicidal tomorrow morning because of the inevitable hangover i'd have too.
anyway.
we went out on "thursday" as i called it. it was actually valentines day, but you wanted it to be "single and fabulous day," that sounded too gay for me so i called it "thursday" to make it more masculine like "i don't give a fuck that it's a special day people use to outwardly show their affection." things were going great, we had a few drinks, had a decent dinner, had fro-yo even. but when we went to look for kitchen untensils and you looked like you might tip over because you were still a little tipsy and in your heels, i reached an arm out just incase and it was by your waist. I barely touched you and it wasn't like i was reaching in an overly romantic way, but i felt the energy suck back into you right away. I knew right then and there next to the fucking can openers that you didn't want me to touch you.
i think that's also when i began to piece it together that you'd never give me a chance. i could probably count it among the worst feeling single moments ever. it was like an epiphany but a negative one. i don't know if that's a thing or what, but that's the best way for me to describe it.
"oh."
that's what it felt like. just: "Oh."
maybe i'd add a sad face emoticon next to it. "Oh. :("
i don't know.
but then there was when i told you we should try dating just to see and the first thing out of your mouth was "No!" it wasn't even a soft "no" or something to ease into it, it was just "No!" I mean, JESUS, it's not like i had any sort of feelings on the line. yeah, haha, it'll be a funny story of rejection we can laugh about later! hahahahahahahaha! i just blurted out "No!" lulz. FUCK.
jesus, this isn't even pretending to be a letter anymore.
i guess you wouldn't care anyway because you were going to get what you wanted from me either way. when you suggested that you teach me to surf that felt so great. you were inviting me into your world with you. you wanted to do something for me. you made me feel special. but then you didn't bother with it once things got messy between us. i was just a nuisance i guess. i didn't ask you to teach me, you offered. but i guess it still too much of me just to want to keep learning. y'know, in retrospect, it feels like when chelsey was living with me and she asked me what I wanted to do, the two of us, she'd do something for me to show appreciation for letting her live in my place, rent free. i think we eventually settled on either her teaching me to ride a bike or swing a golf club, what it was isn't important. what is important is that she offered it and never bothered to do it because daigle. yeah, he's a verb now. shit, maybe that's how i should describe what carlie's done to me as it's own verb too. because carlie.
a daigle is when you get set aside for an ex.
a carlie is when you get set aside because you want to be treated as more than just a safe friend.
it's not like i even gave carlie an ultimatum of "it's either you date more or we're not friends anymore." i didn't say that to you. i don't know why i'm changing tenses or subjects or whatever. yes, i'm aware of that. i don't care this stopped pretending to be anything a long time ago.
i didn't give you an all-tomato that it was date me or we're not friends anymore. you turned it into that on your own. it's the worst kind of shitty feeling maybe. you cast me aside because i was more trouble than it was worth, but before you did that you lied to me about it too. i bet you'd keep lying about it too if I hadn't texted you tonight too.
idk if you've read the text yet or not, i don't know if i'll ever know if you read it because i don't know if you'll want to talk to me after that either. but i bet your not going to let it bother you. i don't know if it's going to be you lying to yourself that "that's not how it went down" or if you're just going to shrug it off as part of doing business with you. you're still the worst kind of friend because you just don't get it.
you're so fucking naive.
look, maybe some of your other friends that you don't like a shitty, maybe i can agree with that. but you also can't just use people like how you used me because people like me are the best kind of friends you can have. there was a reason why you liked having me around when things were rough for you. i was able to see through your bullshit and call you on it in a way that wasn't just someone saying you're fucking stupid. i was constructive and ACTUALLY helped you with your problems. yeah, maybe you'll find someone else who can do that for you, but those of us who can be that person are rare and if you burn that next person, you're going to be running out of options at some point. but i was more valuable than that too. i wasn't just a sounding board, i was also someone who was happy to do what you wanted to do too. i was happy to just go with the flow and we could do whatever you felt was imporant. a cup of coffee? sure. tea instead tonight? why not? just a long drive? hop in, i'll drive and you can sit and relax. you rather drive? okay, sure, i'll let you be in control. Oh, hey, I have an idea of something I want to do? No? okay, that's fine, i'll just wait for the movie to come out on blu-ray and buy it for myself instead even though that means i won't get to watch top gun which is my favorite movie in 3d for perhaps the only time ever.
yeah, you said you felt bad, but feeling bad about not doing what i wanted to do doesn't make up for the fact that the movie was only in theaters for one week and it was like the only time i asked you to do something special that i wanted to do. it's okay though, i should've known better than to hope that you'd do something that you weren't keen on doing for me. why should you do me any favors anyhow.
the worst kind of friend.
i know i'm not the best guy out there, but i'm aware of it and i try to not be that guy. i honestly try to be concious of when i'm being a dick and minimize those instances. i even re-wrote that text before i sent it to take some of the edge off of it. don't ask me why. maybe it's because i'm still hoping you come around and realize that you're stupid and you should be with me and that you owe me some fucking gratitude since top gun won't be in 3d theaters again for i don't know how fucking long.
i don't know why i'm even latching on to that when there's so many other things i could choose. maybe that just encompases it because you acknowledged that that was something you could've done for me but it was too late. that's probably it.
i hope i never make a girl feel this way because this is a shitty feeling.
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