2001-07-25 - 11:35 p.m.
i actually saw the music video from "O brother, where art thou?" on TNN last night. just thought i'd mention that.
for some reason, right now i miss seeing Punahou Girl. as much as i'd like to resent her for not calling me, i still miss seeing her. for a while, it was one more reason for me to go to school everyday. i really miss seeing her. even if she didn't call or anything, i'm really not mad at her. as much as i want to be. as much as i want to swear at the school every time i pass it (which i do), i'm still not mad. i figure i should be, because thats what any other person would probably feel too. anger. but i dont feel angry. and i never did. i felt sad... i felt depressed for a while too. but i never felt anger. i dont feel angry enough i think. i may seem like i get angry a lot, but its more or less just irritation. the only time in recent that i can think where i really felt anger is towards ake, kenny, gavin, and peanut. i wanted to make ake cry, and i wanted to incapacitate kenny, gavin, and peanut. and scalp them and sell it to the indians. no. not the last part. well, not in this society anyway...
but like i was saying, i dont get to feel full on anger a lot. i kinda miss it. it was something i could fixate on. right now, i'm kinda just drifting between minor emotions here and there... its like i'm wandering aimlessly in my own world. maybe its due to lack of new experiences. i hang out with the same three people everyday. we do the same thing everyday. maybe this is why i'm feeling like i'm just meandering aimlessly thorough life right now? no true form of mental stimulation.
but speaking of things missing...
i feel like i'm missing something on the inside too. i was lying in bed last night and i felt lonely. i felt a hollowness in myself that i know is from being without a companion. its not that i'm looking for a relationship, i'm kinda just looking for someone to hold maybe. i think i miss physical love right now. i'm not saying i'd like to get fucked by a hot chick (but i'm not saying that thats not on my list of things to do when the opportunity arises). what i am saying is that i miss someone to just hold in my arms and make me feel like i'm loved. maybe that would explain my thoughts of Punahou Girl?
no wonder jenna said i'm very open in my diary.
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